On hiatus

I need to ease back from all social media for a while.

Seen from the Fairview Hospital North Building

Just beyond these turkeys is the Mississippi. They are strolling through the playground.  I think there were four of them.

Full moon in Aries, lunar eclipse

This Friday October 18 we  have a lunar eclipse of the full moon in Aries. All of us will experience big changes, shake-ups. How will we confront this? I have Aries rising and an Aries moon, so this I assume that  this will be intense.

Oh, say, this is interesting! this is directed at Scorpios:

"Your work life could be altered with this restless Aries Full Moon eclipse in your 6th House of Employment. Pushing harder to get new projects off the ground may not get them going any faster. It's smarter to develop your skills and refine systems to make them more efficient than to race ahead without building a solid foundation. Brilliant ideas may arise in an instant but turning them into reality takes time."

Dear Rob Brezsny says, for Scorpios:

"In Tim Burton's film Alice in Wonderland, Alice asks the White Rabbit, "How long is forever?" The talking rabbit replies, "Sometimes, just one second." That's an important piece of information for you to keep in mind, Scorpio. It implies that "forever" may not necessarily, in all cases, last until the universe dies out five billion years from now. "Forever" might actually turn out to be one second or 90 minutes or a month or a year or who knows? So how does this apply to your life right now? Well, a situation you assumed was permanent could ultimately change -- perhaps much faster than you have imagined. An apparently everlasting decree or perpetual feeling could unexpectedly shift, as if by magic."

Hmm, well I'm losing my job  getting rid of a situation that was making me very unhappy. I'm learning to live with a brand new diagnosis that is challenging me to make some radical changes. So far, that has been mostly scary, but I'm beginning to see the ways it will be liberating. Now is a great moment to reflect on what is changing and how I want to live these changes.

 Rising Moon Astrology calls on us to seize the moment:

"At this Full Moon, it will be tough to keep the lid on, or sweep things under the rug. Instead of getting all anxious about that, let's grab the bull by the horns and ride that tiger ... let's split those infinitives and mix those metaphors with gay abandon."

Yeah! go for it!

Cathy Lynn Pagano asks:

"What have you made of your life since 1994, the last time a lunar eclipse occurred at 26* Aries/Libra?"

Well, 19 years ago, I gave birth. So there's that! And we are now in a situation where these changes will not affect the support I want to give my child while she's in college, so I can let go of the security (and misery) of my employment, and be open to the unknown future.

 

Deterioration

After years of sleeping no more than 5-6 hours a night, for the two nights since I whacked my head twice in one fall, I have slept 8-10 hours. Good? not so sure. I'm still a little logy. No nausea or vomiting, no headaches, bleeding, or other warning signs that would make me go back to the ER, but I'm still not normal. Tomorrow I call one of my doctors for a follow-up appointment. I also start a 'Day Treatment' program (3 days a week) for the bipolar disorder because the depression has not gotten better even though the mania/anxiety symptoms are under control with the lithium.

Some of the depression is organic, and it has been aggravated by situational factors. I cannot work, and have not worked for almost a year, because my symptoms have been so severe, partly because of misdiagnosis and mismedication.   I don't know when I will be able to work again. My workplace has been treating me cruelly, and is trying to get me to quit. Not a single "colleague" has contacted me or expressed any solidarity or concern. The Dean has been trying to avoid meeting with me because he is following the HR script. I have lost my disability benefit despite being eligible, and am not sure if I'll retain my medical benefit. I have been awarded SSDI, which is good, but the amount per month is not enough to cover my basic expenses as they are now, so I am trying to cut and figure out what to cut so I can live on that amount. In two years I'll be eligible for Medicare, but until then, its MA or scramble. So I have downloaded the application for Medical Assistance. For the foreseeable future I am going to  be living with some economic insecurity, in part because the two other members of my condo association are refusing to pay their share of what we owe to two contractors. This causes me acute shame and distress. I am trying to borrow money to cover these bills, if necessary, but although I have been approved by my credit union, there is still more approval to go. It's starting to look as if selling my lovely little home might be necessary in the near future.

Every day I cry and cry. I have to work to remember why I want to go on living. This is scary because I do want to go on living, but these feelings are powerful and part of the disease. I am not yet sure if I can trust my new psychiatrist. I have only just met my new therapist. The last time I saw my primary care physician, she had a resident do the intake, and I really didn't like him. I'm so tired of petitioning the medical system for decent care and respect, even as I'm grateful for what care I have been getting.When they urge me to rely on my support network, I realize that I do not have one. I feel very alone.
My cat's health has declined severely and the vet does not seem to know what to do. Poor baby!

Orthostatic hypotension, syncope, and staples

I got out of bed at 4AM and somehow managed to pass out, hit my head on the kitchen counter, then fall on my face and split an eyebrow. Stitches for the eyebrow, staples for the back of my head (yeow). All my lab work and tests came back normal. No apparent heart problem, no visible head abnormalities, blood work fine. My best guess is that I have had another spell of orthostatic hypotension, because something like this happened to me years ago. I have low blood pressure and if I get out of bed too fast, I have had the experience of losing complete control of my limbs and plummeting to the floor, with my head bouncing off the furniture. The doctor I consulted said, "Don't get up from bed too fast," and I normally heed this advice when I am fully awake. But at 4AM, groggy, thirsty, I jumped out of bed, staggered down the hall, apparently tried to drink water and passed out. I first thought I had only cut my face, and went back to bed after I'd cleaned up a little. When I woke up again, there was blood on the bed from the back of my head, and I discovered that cut. What a mess.
I scrubbed the blood out of the pajamas, sheets, washcloths and bath mats, but I still need to run them through the washer. I washed the floors, and all the places touched with bloody hands. My head hurts like hell.
Ugh. This was already a shitty week.

Akiba Gongen

Eric Rohmer's "La boulangère de Monceau"

From the Edina branch of the library, I brought home three DVDs. I'm watching "La boulangère de Monceau" (1963) dir. Eric Rohmer, the first of his "six moral tales." Although I haven't seen all of his films, I really enjoy the ones I have seen them because they are so much about speech, and I because I love the French language. I'd much rather watch Rohmer than Woody Allen.

The last time I was in Paris was when I took my daughter there. She was about 12. We stayed in a neighborhood I didn't know very well, near the Parc Monceau. There was a street market just around the corner from our hotel, on the Rue de Lévis. So imagine my surprise when I began watching this  film and saw the market, the metro stop Villiers, the park Monceau, even that brasserie where we had enjoyed the most marvelous platter of seafood, served with all the flair of the Parisian brasserie waiter. The protagonist is played by a very young Barbet Schroeder in his first film role; he also produced the movie. This is a short film, only 23 minutes, but the Criterion Collection DVD includes a wonderful dialogue between the Rohmer in his 80s and his actor/producer Barbet Schroeder, who has continued to act and direct for decades. 

This clip establishes the setting of the film, and the fact that even this metropolis is like a village.