For family reasons, we are interested in the stories of same-sex couples whose marriages are legal in one country, but not in the US. What happens now with this week's Supreme Court Decision? In at least one case, when an intern sprinted with the copy of the SCOTUS decision the five blocks to the courthouse where a man was just about to be deported, he was able to save the couple from the deportation! Yay!
Rachel Maddow tells this story. And she also reminds us that the SCOTUS ruling does not go far enough (she is so darn smart!)
In Minnesota, my daughters' dads have been legally married in Spain for years. Minnesota just legalized same-sex marriage, so state law will now recognize their already existing marriage. And because MN law recognizes same-sex marriage, now Federal law will apply to them, too! Great! But what if they lived in Utah? or another of the 30 states where same-sex marriage is prohibited? Well, there is more to do.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
In my happy place
I am thrilled with this opening number to So You Think You Can Dance from the beginning of the competition round with this season's Top 20.
Choreography by Napoleon and Tabitha (aka NappyTabs), "Puttin' on the Ritz" featuring Herb Alpert on the trumpet (and in a cameo appearance!). I love seeing the continuous take that leads us from the street through the studio to the stage. The dancers this year are loaded with charisma and talent, and it was fun to see some of the regular judges take a turn. My favorite moment, next to seeing Travis in feathers, was spotting the giant poster of Mark Kanemura in the hallway. Ha ha! His dream came true, that's for sure!
Choreography by Napoleon and Tabitha (aka NappyTabs), "Puttin' on the Ritz" featuring Herb Alpert on the trumpet (and in a cameo appearance!). I love seeing the continuous take that leads us from the street through the studio to the stage. The dancers this year are loaded with charisma and talent, and it was fun to see some of the regular judges take a turn. My favorite moment, next to seeing Travis in feathers, was spotting the giant poster of Mark Kanemura in the hallway. Ha ha! His dream came true, that's for sure!
Working through
This month's full moon fell on June 22-23, just two days after the summer solstice. We were all busy with fallen trees and power outages, and now we are thinking about what to do the next time something like this happens.
People have picked up the term "Super Moon" from an astrologer to name a full moon that comes within 90% of its closest approach to earth. Another name for this is "perigee full moon," and June's will be the closest this year.
Now the moon is waning. If one want's to use the moon's cycles to bring intentionality to one's life, from an astrological perspective, Mary Pat Lynch at Rising Moon Astrology gives us some rich ideas:
"We're now in the waning half of the lunar cycle, a time of looking at what's been brought to light, appreciating our achievements, sharing the results, and letting go of what's finished [...] June 26, we reach the Disseminating Moon. This is the day Mercury turns retrograde in Cancer, which might leave us feeling mired in messy emotions. And here's the Moon with an invitation to insight: She's in cerebral, objective Aquarius, conjunct fair-minded Juno and flowing energy in trine with Mars and Pallas Athena in Gemini.
Today is the day I finish Brain Camp. My brain isn't on fire any more. I've worked really hard at being present with the scariest of feels, when my body wanted to flee or fight off invisible dangers, old boogie monsters. Being in a safe place with wise minds and fellow sufferers making this journey has been an extraordinary experience. I would be afraid to make this transition if it weren't for the fact that I've been present to my own transformation. Still new, still not finished, but real.
"With the Balsamic Moon on July 4, the push to make significant changes continues. The Moon is in patient, grounded Taurus. A Taurus Moon can be stubborn, so there might be some feeling of not wanting to let go, of needing to hold on to the past, the way things have been [...] The Balsamic Moon is THE time to let go of what's finished for us. With all the deep work we've been doing lately, this could feel hard––even impossible. Yet here is the Moon in Taurus, the sign of self-nurturing, creating a crucible of healing and personal expression with Chiron and Venus."
If you want to get your science nerd fix, it's long, but this lovely little video by the the Slooh observatory on the Canary Islands, (atop an 8000 ft. high volcano), features astronomers chatting about the moon. They tell us anything we might want to know about the astronomy of the moon, the perigee and the apogee, the syzygy, the moon's effect on the tides, NASA flights to the moon, etc.
Monday, June 24, 2013
The Little Red Hen has been laid off, or, how my food went to Northfield on Sunday
After the power went out in our building Friday night, I just didn't open the fridge or freezer, except to get the insulin for the cat. I put the insulin container in an insulated lunch bag with some ice packs, but I was worried about it staying cold enough. I had just used my coupons and stocked up on fruit to cut up and freeze for my Vitamix, so I was feeling a little anxious (just what the doctor ordered, right?) and trying to let go of the idea that I had any control over the situation.
But I also did not want to let all the food spoil, so
on Sunday, I was just getting into my car to drive to the hardware store to buy a cooler and some ice, when Loren called to invite me to bring my food to his place. He has a fridge in his barn that sometimes gets used for big family gatherings when there are picnics, and it was empty. I could store my food there until the power came back on. The Little Red Hen's voice started to come out of my mouth, and I heard myself saying something like, "oh, that's OK, I can just..." and then I stopped myself and said, "yes! I'll be right down!" Little Red Hen! stop it! I don't need you now. In fact, you are not helping me at all with your self-righteous refrain, "I'll do it myself."
How could I even consider for an instant turning down such a great offer of help? Because part what has been driving my illness has been a "coping strategy gone awry" and those voices that say "I can't be a burden. I have to do it all myself. And if I could do it myself but I accept help, it is because I am selfish, greedy, or lazy." These voices are liars, but they are powerful voices and I'm learning to disconnect myself from them. So, Little Red Hen, thank you for your years of service, and enjoy your retirement!
So, I said thank you, and then I gathered up all my tote bags, loaded all my food into the car, and drove down to Northfield. Loren helped me unload and triage. What needed to stay in the freezer, what needed to be moved to the fridge, what needed to be eaten or cooked right way, what was spoiled? Amazingly, only the milk was spoiled, but almost everything else was fine. I did throw out a few things from the way back of the freezer that were YEARS old and that had somehow survived an earlier purge.
It was such a blessing to be able to set aside Red Squirrel Woman's anxiety (my nuts! my food! my money! oh, no!) and let someone else help me out, someone who was kind and willing, and let me put down my burden for just a little while. Then, at the end of the afternoon when it was just about time for me to go home to take care of the cat, anyway, my neighbor texted me to say the power was back on, and she could hear that my vacuum cleaner was on in my place. Loren and I repacked and I was home in no time. I was even able to wash out the freezer and fridge before I stowed everything away again.
But I also did not want to let all the food spoil, so
on Sunday, I was just getting into my car to drive to the hardware store to buy a cooler and some ice, when Loren called to invite me to bring my food to his place. He has a fridge in his barn that sometimes gets used for big family gatherings when there are picnics, and it was empty. I could store my food there until the power came back on. The Little Red Hen's voice started to come out of my mouth, and I heard myself saying something like, "oh, that's OK, I can just..." and then I stopped myself and said, "yes! I'll be right down!" Little Red Hen! stop it! I don't need you now. In fact, you are not helping me at all with your self-righteous refrain, "I'll do it myself."
How could I even consider for an instant turning down such a great offer of help? Because part what has been driving my illness has been a "coping strategy gone awry" and those voices that say "I can't be a burden. I have to do it all myself. And if I could do it myself but I accept help, it is because I am selfish, greedy, or lazy." These voices are liars, but they are powerful voices and I'm learning to disconnect myself from them. So, Little Red Hen, thank you for your years of service, and enjoy your retirement!So, I said thank you, and then I gathered up all my tote bags, loaded all my food into the car, and drove down to Northfield. Loren helped me unload and triage. What needed to stay in the freezer, what needed to be moved to the fridge, what needed to be eaten or cooked right way, what was spoiled? Amazingly, only the milk was spoiled, but almost everything else was fine. I did throw out a few things from the way back of the freezer that were YEARS old and that had somehow survived an earlier purge.
It was such a blessing to be able to set aside Red Squirrel Woman's anxiety (my nuts! my food! my money! oh, no!) and let someone else help me out, someone who was kind and willing, and let me put down my burden for just a little while. Then, at the end of the afternoon when it was just about time for me to go home to take care of the cat, anyway, my neighbor texted me to say the power was back on, and she could hear that my vacuum cleaner was on in my place. Loren and I repacked and I was home in no time. I was even able to wash out the freezer and fridge before I stowed everything away again.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Wind damage on our block from last night's storm: some pictures
There was a big storm in the Twin Cities areas last night. Welcome to summer!
I was in Stillwater at the Lift Bridge Brewery with friends, to hear some music played by the son of one of them. It was a lovely evening, and we were treated to a spectacular display of a summer storm coming up suddently, darkening the sky, lashing flooding rain, winds of at least 60-70 mp. Then it passed. We drove back to our friends' home in Roseville to discover that their power was out, and a lovely tree on their front lawn was completely uprooted. Fortunately, it did not fall on a car or a home. I drove home slowly and carefully, driving around the branches in the street, paying attention to the stretches where lights and streetlights were out. Some drunks on Hennepin decided it was a good idea to charge into the street in the middle of the block although there were no streetlights or even stoplights, but were outraged--outraged! that several cars honked at them because they were so hard to see and it is scary when someone hurls their body in front of a moving car. But hey, Friday night beings drunken frat boy types invade my neighborhood from the suburbs every weekend.
Where was I? oh, yeah, NO power on Hennepin last night at all from Franklin to Lake, but then an island of light around the Hennepin/Lake junction. No power on my side of the street on my block, but power across the street. I have noticed this before; clearly we are served by different junctions. Still no power when I woke up this morning, so I am sitting in Calhoun Square where there is power in the public seating area, and a handy-dandy outlet next to a table and a chair. Thank you Calhoun Square merchants association! I am recharging my computer and my phone, and using their free WiFi, since I don't have any at home. My landline (I knew there was a good reason to keep it) still works, and my phone gets my email even without WiFi, so I'm connected. Just need to put a few things in a cooler from the fridge, like Mr Kitty's insulin. Just about everything else will be fine for now if I just keep the fridge/freezer doors shut.
Here are some pictures of the branches down on my block alone. Someone seems to have dragged them off the street and sidewalk already, but the huckleberry tree next to our house lost some branches. When I go home, I'll look in back to see how things fared there. Mostly I want coffee and the Dogwood Cafe crew seems to have decided to stay home, so I may need to wander farther afield.
My camera phone takes better pictures than my camera. Then it uploads them straight to Dropbox, so I can add them to this blog. Slick!
I was in Stillwater at the Lift Bridge Brewery with friends, to hear some music played by the son of one of them. It was a lovely evening, and we were treated to a spectacular display of a summer storm coming up suddently, darkening the sky, lashing flooding rain, winds of at least 60-70 mp. Then it passed. We drove back to our friends' home in Roseville to discover that their power was out, and a lovely tree on their front lawn was completely uprooted. Fortunately, it did not fall on a car or a home. I drove home slowly and carefully, driving around the branches in the street, paying attention to the stretches where lights and streetlights were out. Some drunks on Hennepin decided it was a good idea to charge into the street in the middle of the block although there were no streetlights or even stoplights, but were outraged--outraged! that several cars honked at them because they were so hard to see and it is scary when someone hurls their body in front of a moving car. But hey, Friday night beings drunken frat boy types invade my neighborhood from the suburbs every weekend.
Where was I? oh, yeah, NO power on Hennepin last night at all from Franklin to Lake, but then an island of light around the Hennepin/Lake junction. No power on my side of the street on my block, but power across the street. I have noticed this before; clearly we are served by different junctions. Still no power when I woke up this morning, so I am sitting in Calhoun Square where there is power in the public seating area, and a handy-dandy outlet next to a table and a chair. Thank you Calhoun Square merchants association! I am recharging my computer and my phone, and using their free WiFi, since I don't have any at home. My landline (I knew there was a good reason to keep it) still works, and my phone gets my email even without WiFi, so I'm connected. Just need to put a few things in a cooler from the fridge, like Mr Kitty's insulin. Just about everything else will be fine for now if I just keep the fridge/freezer doors shut.
Here are some pictures of the branches down on my block alone. Someone seems to have dragged them off the street and sidewalk already, but the huckleberry tree next to our house lost some branches. When I go home, I'll look in back to see how things fared there. Mostly I want coffee and the Dogwood Cafe crew seems to have decided to stay home, so I may need to wander farther afield.
My camera phone takes better pictures than my camera. Then it uploads them straight to Dropbox, so I can add them to this blog. Slick!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
"Family Affair"
Sly and the Family Stone, "Family Affair" (1971)
Here is a picture to remind me that the day before I had my "spell" I was dancing on stage at Larry Graham's show at The Dakota, totally blissed out by the music, the dancing, and the spirit of the crowd. At the end of his show, people were invited down to dance on stage during the encore.
Here is Larry Graham demonstrating the style of bass-playing he invented (he calls it thumping and plucking, but it's usually called slap bass) that is the signature of funk. He was the bass player for Sly and the Family Stone, and his group Graham Central Station has a new album out; it's a next-generation band of young folks from Oakland.
Here is a picture to remind me that the day before I had my "spell" I was dancing on stage at Larry Graham's show at The Dakota, totally blissed out by the music, the dancing, and the spirit of the crowd. At the end of his show, people were invited down to dance on stage during the encore.
Here is Larry Graham demonstrating the style of bass-playing he invented (he calls it thumping and plucking, but it's usually called slap bass) that is the signature of funk. He was the bass player for Sly and the Family Stone, and his group Graham Central Station has a new album out; it's a next-generation band of young folks from Oakland. Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Barbara Bonney
"Et incarnatus est"
Mass in C Minor, Mozart. Filmed at the Palau de la Musica Catalana, Barcelona, in December 1991.
Et incarnatus est de Spiritu Sancto, ex Maria virgine, et homo factus est.
Handel's Messiah, "He shall feed his flock"
"He
shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with
his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that
are with young." (Isaiah 40:11)
"Come unto Him, all ye that labour, come unto Him that are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. Take His yoke upon you, and learn of Him, for He is meek and lowly of heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29)
King James Version
Richard Strauss, "Morgen!"
Jussi Bjorling's version recorded in 1939
"Come unto Him, all ye that labour, come unto Him that are heavy laden, and He will give you rest. Take His yoke upon you, and learn of Him, for He is meek and lowly of heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29)
King James Version
Richard Strauss, "Morgen!"
Morgen!
Und morgen wird die Sonne wieder scheinen
und auf dem Wege, den ich gehen werde,
wird uns, die Glücklichen sie wieder einen
inmitten dieser sonnenatmenden Erde…
und zu dem Strand, dem weiten, wogenblauen,
werden wir still und langsam niedersteigen,
stumm werden wir uns in die Augen schauen,
und auf uns sinkt des Glückes stummes Schweigen...
Jussi Bjorling's version recorded in 1939
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
"Thank You" Alanis Morisette
When this video came out, a lot of people fussed about the fact that she is naked. I'm moved by the gestures of kindness portrayed, as well as by the lyrics. The best decision I made in the last few months was to safely discontinue taking medications that did me harm. Now it's time for me to gently and slowly get myself off the adrenaline train.
how bout getting off all these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I’m full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time…
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
(via Beyond Meds)
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Roll with it, like the mallards.
My brain is still not working very well. I'm trying to roll with it.
I'm doing pretty well at some of the more complex things I have had to manage this week: I got my medical benefit reinstated so I now have an income again, and I did it without losing my marbles; I successfully closed my old bank account and transferred all the auto-payments to the new one without missing a mortgage payment; I wrangled three construction crews so that the abatement crew finally finished taking out all the asbestos in the basement, dismantled and removed the old boiler and delivered the new one. They broke one of the steps on the back stairs, and left some gouges in the stairwell wall, but I knew that something like that might happen when removing a cast-iron boiler the size of a Volkswagon. Roll with it, I'm telling myself. All of this "stuff" will get done.
It's more important to focus on going to the outpatient program each day from 9-3, and showing up mentally to the groups and the work of recovering my health. All the other stuff is just logistics.
I also get to notice that that the work at the clinic is rewarding ,and it is also very, very hard. I am so tired. The logistics of daily living since I got out of the hospital are still proving challenging.
I know how important it is for me to eat breakfast, given the way my blood sugar levels affect my mood. If I don't eat, 11:00 can become a miniature hell. So managing my Basci ADLs (BADLs) is essential. Am I eating? Can I manage to get to the toilet when I need to go? Can I walk without banging into things and bruising myself? am I clean? (it's awful how the smell of fear, the smell of my overactive adrenaline, can make me stink). Today I learned from Wikipedia that these basic ADLs can also be recalled as D.E.A.T.H. = dressing, eating, ambulating (walking), toileting, hygiene).
This week I did OK. Monday, I got to the clinic on time, but I had not managed to have coffee or eat. The next day, I got to the clinic on time, and I had managed to eat and have coffee, but not bathe myself and I did not like the way I smelled. The next day, I managed to eat, have coffee, clean myself and put on clean clothes, and get to the clinic on time. Didn't realize until I was walking into the building that I had put my shirt on backwards. No biggie, at least I drove there safely.
Today, my nephew and I left the house to drive him to the airport, after his visit this week (lovely!), and I looked down and realized I was still wearing my slippers. Roll with it, I said to myself, don't freak out. You will just have to take one step at a time, and try to slow your racing brain down enough so you can walk without tripping yourself, eat and drink at the right times, keep yourself from smelling bad and make sure you use the bathroom frequently enough to not get into trouble.
I had a very small panic attack today when I tried to do too many things at once. Fortunately I was with a wise friend and could lie down on her floor, cry, get my breathing in order, and calm down without feeling unsafe. This is also my job: to learn how to roll with the fact that I can't avoid having a panic attack in public any more.
Every day, I see how much I have accomplished, but I am still noticing that my ADLs are ragged. Time, time, patience, patience. Roll with it. All will be well. My neighbors, the Mallards, are calmly walking around my yard as if it is perfectly normal for ducks to just hang out on our block every day.
This song is on a loop in my head.
Sunday, June 09, 2013
Gemini New Moon! plus astrology jokes
I really enjoy Kelley Rosano's astrology blog, her posts and her videos. Here is a link to her most recent post: Gemini New moon today.
Sometimes it can seem as if someone is speaking directly to you, and this video from Kelley is absolutely spot on for me.
At the end of her video, she performs a dramatic reading of these Astrology prayer jokes, with her hilarious giggles. [To skip to the funny part at the end, start at 6'22"]. I love her. By the way, my sun sign is Scorpio, with Aries Moon and Aries Rising, so the combination of the two gives me this exactly right-on reading of my struggle right now.
SCORPIO: “Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don’t deserve it.”
ARIES: “Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!”
Here's the whole list, from Kelley Rosano's site (Thanks, Kelley!)
Do you see yourself here?
ARIES: “Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!”
TAURUS: “Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET.”
GEMINI: “Yo God…(or is it Goddess?)…Who are you?…What are you?…..Where are You?…..How many of you ARE there? I can’t figure you out!”
CANCER: “Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn’t depend on you so much, but you’re the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners.”
LEO: “Hi, Pop! I’ll bet you’re really proud to have me as your kid!”
VIRGO: “Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don’t screw it up like you did the last time.”
LIBRA: “Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?”
SCORPIO: “Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don’t deserve it.”
SAGITTARIUS: “OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I’VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I’VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES — HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!”
CAPRICORN: “Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.”
AQUARIUS: “Hi God! Some say you’re a man. Some say you’re a woman. I say we’re ALL God. So, why pray? Let’s have a party!”
PISCES: “Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory.”
At the end of her video, she performs a dramatic reading of these Astrology prayer jokes, with her hilarious giggles. [To skip to the funny part at the end, start at 6'22"]. I love her. By the way, my sun sign is Scorpio, with Aries Moon and Aries Rising, so the combination of the two gives me this exactly right-on reading of my struggle right now.
SCORPIO: “Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don’t deserve it.”
ARIES: “Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!”
Here's the whole list, from Kelley Rosano's site (Thanks, Kelley!)
Do you see yourself here?
ARIES: “Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!”
TAURUS: “Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET.”
GEMINI: “Yo God…(or is it Goddess?)…Who are you?…What are you?…..Where are You?…..How many of you ARE there? I can’t figure you out!”
CANCER: “Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn’t depend on you so much, but you’re the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners.”
LEO: “Hi, Pop! I’ll bet you’re really proud to have me as your kid!”
VIRGO: “Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don’t screw it up like you did the last time.”
LIBRA: “Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?”
SCORPIO: “Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don’t deserve it.”
SAGITTARIUS: “OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I’VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I’VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES — HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!”
CAPRICORN: “Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.”
AQUARIUS: “Hi God! Some say you’re a man. Some say you’re a woman. I say we’re ALL God. So, why pray? Let’s have a party!”
PISCES: “Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory.”
My brain is Salty Sam, or, "If you don't gimme the deed to your ranch, I'll throw you on the railroad tracks"
Friday night was really rough. I had received a letter from my Department Chair that appeared to have been dictated by HR and some lawyer. I felt angry, trapped, and afraid. I couldn't sleep, and wrote messages and deleted them. I was stuck in my pain.
What the intentions of this letter were does not matter, because because right now my "intention thermometer" is broken, and there was nothing I could do about it late on Friday night, anyway.
I was on the worry train and it felt as if I were also tied to the tracks and the train was going to run over me. Does anyone remember that Leiber and Stoller song "Along Came Jones" by The Coasters? here's a live version. (I always heard it as "Along came John"). Whatever. When I'm on the worry train, I'm watching Salty Sam trying to kill Sweet Sue, over and over again, saying "If you don't gimme the deed to your ranch, I'll tie you to the railroad tracks"
I am too accustomed to distorted thinking! But when I woke up and realized that I would not be able to carry out a small commitment I had made because I felt too sick, I got to practice something we worked on in "brain training camp" on Friday: Ask for help when you need it. "And then along came Jones..."
I had recognize that I felt awful: my body hurt all over; I was exhausted and shaky; I had a terrible headache. I felt sad, anxious, and afraid. My brain was on the worry train, and I wanted to get off. I was going to be late for something, "and that would be AWFUL!". I was "catastrophizing" and I am a world-class Olympian category catastrophizer. Sometimes this motivates me to become Red Squirrel Woman, store up my nuts and defend my territory. Other times, it just wears me out.
But I was able to take a baby step, and ask for help!!!! I made a list of my needs. I shared them with someone in my support network and asked for help. He was lovely and gracious and then I got the help I needed: time to drink water, to eat, to bathe, to have enough caffeine to see if the heacdache would go away, to rest. I got to turn over my worries to a higher power (that is to say, I got to stop trying to be god and control everything, including my adrenal gland.
Guess what, dear readers, it works! It worked! The person I asked for help treated me with kindness and love,. Then I took care of myself, and I went on to enjoy the rest of the day, a spectacularly wonderful, lovely day.
But I also got to notice that this process of "asking for help" for something so simple left me feeling as exhausted as if I had tried to run around Lake Calhoun, when in fact I know that I can only run half a block. (And I mean that literally because I tried to run a whole block last week and I couldn't. Half a block.) Quite literally, my body's response when I formulate the intention to ask for help is to go into high anxiety, producing adrenaline and cortisol, which I am not able to turn off. There is no off spigot for my flow of stress hormones because of a dysregulation of the autonomic nervous systems (which is related, of course, what the fibromyalgia is all about).
Later on, I met a woman who asked "Are you living your dream?" But that is another story.
What the intentions of this letter were does not matter, because because right now my "intention thermometer" is broken, and there was nothing I could do about it late on Friday night, anyway.
I was on the worry train and it felt as if I were also tied to the tracks and the train was going to run over me. Does anyone remember that Leiber and Stoller song "Along Came Jones" by The Coasters? here's a live version. (I always heard it as "Along came John"). Whatever. When I'm on the worry train, I'm watching Salty Sam trying to kill Sweet Sue, over and over again, saying "If you don't gimme the deed to your ranch, I'll tie you to the railroad tracks"
I am too accustomed to distorted thinking! But when I woke up and realized that I would not be able to carry out a small commitment I had made because I felt too sick, I got to practice something we worked on in "brain training camp" on Friday: Ask for help when you need it. "And then along came Jones..."
I had recognize that I felt awful: my body hurt all over; I was exhausted and shaky; I had a terrible headache. I felt sad, anxious, and afraid. My brain was on the worry train, and I wanted to get off. I was going to be late for something, "and that would be AWFUL!". I was "catastrophizing" and I am a world-class Olympian category catastrophizer. Sometimes this motivates me to become Red Squirrel Woman, store up my nuts and defend my territory. Other times, it just wears me out.
But I was able to take a baby step, and ask for help!!!! I made a list of my needs. I shared them with someone in my support network and asked for help. He was lovely and gracious and then I got the help I needed: time to drink water, to eat, to bathe, to have enough caffeine to see if the heacdache would go away, to rest. I got to turn over my worries to a higher power (that is to say, I got to stop trying to be god and control everything, including my adrenal gland.
Guess what, dear readers, it works! It worked! The person I asked for help treated me with kindness and love,. Then I took care of myself, and I went on to enjoy the rest of the day, a spectacularly wonderful, lovely day.
But I also got to notice that this process of "asking for help" for something so simple left me feeling as exhausted as if I had tried to run around Lake Calhoun, when in fact I know that I can only run half a block. (And I mean that literally because I tried to run a whole block last week and I couldn't. Half a block.) Quite literally, my body's response when I formulate the intention to ask for help is to go into high anxiety, producing adrenaline and cortisol, which I am not able to turn off. There is no off spigot for my flow of stress hormones because of a dysregulation of the autonomic nervous systems (which is related, of course, what the fibromyalgia is all about).
Later on, I met a woman who asked "Are you living your dream?" But that is another story.
Friday, June 07, 2013
Gasoline
This line kept going though my head while I was in the hospital: "Asked him for water, gave me gasoline."
Thursday, June 06, 2013
I'm back home
A few people know that last Wednesday I had myself admitted to the Adult Mental Health unit of Fairview Hospital (Station 30). I spent five days and four nights there. It was a safe place to be, and I was able to recover my sense of self and get some help for after I left. I got home Monday and now I am catching up. The few people I did tell were incredibly supportive, and I'm so grateful.
The reasons aren't really important, although in the moment I was so stuck in the story of them that I thought I was going to die. What is important is that I needed help, and I found it. It was a hard five days. I'm home now, and have an outpatient treatment plan and lots of support. Anyone who wants to be in touch with me, I would love to hear from you. If I don't contact you directly right away, it is just because I am busy with the boiler replacement work that begins tomorrow, or with some of the bureaucratic stuff that I was facing last week and that still needs to be resolved, about my employment status (still have a job, but not getting paid), my medical leave (still on leave, but insurance company is denying my benefit), and my short-term disability benefit (some people done screwed it up, and I have to fix it, with the help of others).
Tuesday, I see my wonderful therapist. Wednesday. I have an intake appointment for an outpatient "adult partial hospitalization plan" that goes M-F 9-3. For now, I am calling "therapy boot camp" in my head because "adult partial" (which is what it seems to be called by hospital staff) just doesn't cut it for me. Maybe "brain rehab" is less militaristic. There will be lots of groups, access to support staff for individualized work, but I get to sleep at home.
Folks, I learned so much and witnessed so many acts of kindness and compassion.
Since I left, I have been putting one foot in front of the other, but I am so tired. Fibromyalgia tired, but also "brain underwater" tired.
The reasons aren't really important, although in the moment I was so stuck in the story of them that I thought I was going to die. What is important is that I needed help, and I found it. It was a hard five days. I'm home now, and have an outpatient treatment plan and lots of support. Anyone who wants to be in touch with me, I would love to hear from you. If I don't contact you directly right away, it is just because I am busy with the boiler replacement work that begins tomorrow, or with some of the bureaucratic stuff that I was facing last week and that still needs to be resolved, about my employment status (still have a job, but not getting paid), my medical leave (still on leave, but insurance company is denying my benefit), and my short-term disability benefit (some people done screwed it up, and I have to fix it, with the help of others).
Tuesday, I see my wonderful therapist. Wednesday. I have an intake appointment for an outpatient "adult partial hospitalization plan" that goes M-F 9-3. For now, I am calling "therapy boot camp" in my head because "adult partial" (which is what it seems to be called by hospital staff) just doesn't cut it for me. Maybe "brain rehab" is less militaristic. There will be lots of groups, access to support staff for individualized work, but I get to sleep at home.
Folks, I learned so much and witnessed so many acts of kindness and compassion.
Since I left, I have been putting one foot in front of the other, but I am so tired. Fibromyalgia tired, but also "brain underwater" tired.
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