"It makes my heart happy"

Ari Cohan has a blog called Advanced Style which I dearly love. He photographs and interviews women of spirit and style, who inspire me and the world. Today, he had a little interview with Tziporah Salamon.

Check out the gallery of photos on her web site. Here is an interview with her and another woman of advanced style, named Debra. Tziporah is in the red and black.
Two wise women.

Here is an interiew from a differnt stie, StyleLikeU ("freedom of expression through personal style") not just about the pleasure of dressing creatively, but about dressing as art and self-expression, and as communication

"Don't dress like me, dress like you."

July 29, 2013

Today I'm inspired to walk myself through  latest post at Rising Moon Astrology. (Stuff in quotes is from the post, and bolding is from the original).

"If the Full Moon revealed who we are, this waning lunar phase asks what we're planning to do about it."

So, is it Bipolar 2 or hypothyroid, or both? is struggling to resist the diagnosis of bipolar 2 getting me anywhere? If the medical establishment wants to label my mind/body syndrome in this particular way, could that helpful to me? What do I need to learn about this illness?  How much of what I was told in the past by my former doctors is wrong, and if that was wrong, how much trust should I have that this time it is right with this new set of medical people? I know that the people who deny the existence of my illness are wrong. But I need a way to talk about it with other people that is not just howling in distress. I also remember that I only have to invest in this diagnosis to the extent that it is required by the bureaucracy I am navigating; it is not who I am.

"Each waning Moon phase is a time to focus on how we bring whatever the Full Moon delivered into the world. Since the Full Moon most likely showed up with some new version of us, we're now faced with where to go with it ... us ... whatever. "

So, I checked out some books from the library about bipolar spectrum disorder (BSD is a much nicer way of saying manic depression, not quite so scary).  I'm poking around online. (I read Marya Hornbacher's book, Madness. Yowza, this could be so much worse for me). Sometimes I find myself nodding yes, yes, yes. Other times, no, that's not me. No, not exactly.

I'm learning. I have lots of questions. Who can help me answer them? I get to find out a lot this week because of my therapy appointment (today), my diagnosis clarification appointment (tomorrow), my therapy skills group (day after tomorrow), and the fact that the insurance company's extension of my medical benefit officially runs out July 31st and then I am in the "grace period" until Aug 14. So, if some official-type person does not fax them the "magic words" they will tell my employer to keep bullying me.

"Leo, the sign of me (in all its positive and less than positive shades of meaning), squares the Nodes. This means figuring out who we are, who we really are, needs to happen before we can make serious progress on the path.

This is a bit of a "duh" but the fact is, every time we think we know who we are, we find out we were at least a little, and sometimes majorly, wrong. If the Full Moon was a wake-up call in this regard, now's the time to integrate that message."

Oh. Well OK, then.

"This Grand Cross was in place at the Full Moon, and continues straight through to the New, when it will be, if anything, even stronger.

Both of the Grand Water Trines (Emotions R Us) also continue. Feelings are the ocean we're swimming in, dreams will continue to be deep and compelling, intuition is intensified.

Meanwhile, a new Grand Trine shifts into place. (You do remember what I said about sky patterns and intense being the new normal, right?) Beginning with the Disseminating Moon tomorrow, A Grand Trine in Earth comes into being, as Venus moves deeper into Virgo, connecting with Pluto in Capricorn and the South Node in Taurus.

Grand Earth Trines would ordinarily offer stability and grounding, but this is Pluto, and one of the Nodes. Rather than staying put and feeling solid, this Grant Trine is about creative transformation. Specifically, taking energy from the past and alchemically transforming it into strengths for the now."

Hey, I'm a Scorpio! I'm all about transformation! AND we just had the abatement crew remove the asbestos, haul away the old hulking ancient steam boiler,  replace it with a petite energy-efficient new boiler, and on Tuesday they will start filling the new system with water while they bleed the air out, and the crew will check each and every radiator in the building for leaks. Could we ask for a better analogy? I"m also working with my financial advisor to see how to transform my retirement accounts in case I need to "retire" rather suddenly (in case my illness continues to prevent me from working, or only allows me to work part time. I don't know which, yet, but a report that is going to be delivered to me TOMORROW will point an arrow in one direction or another). So I had to dig through all my financial records and create a budget plan so we can make some calculations, based on the idea that I don't want to have to sell my house. Of course, if I have to sell my house, it would not be the end of the world.

"And, right at the Last Quarter Moon on July 29, the Earth and Water Grand Trines line up in a way that creates a rare event, a Grand Sextile. This is a six-pointed star that covers the sky (we can't see it, but we'll most likely feel it). You might see it as a Star of David or a Merkaba.

Sextiles are flows of positive energy. More energetic than trines, and therefore easier to feel, sextiles show us where opportunities are, where doors and gates are opening. On July 29, and through the Balsamic Moon period, there will be gates opening everywhere you look."

Gates opening! Yes, yes! I am so tired of being stuck, mired down, hemmed in, afraid to let go of my safety net. The safety net is holding me under water and if I don't cut loose from it, it will drown me. I need to get above water first, be able to stop existing in survival mode, and then I need to proceed with deliberation and calm to lose my job. If I weren't so seriously ill, I would walk away today. But it is literally not safe for me to do that. I need my medical coverage right now. Because Pluto is not on board with all the flowing trine-sextile goodness right now.

"As we move toward the New Moon in Leo, we're asked to step into something wonderful. OK, it's also scary. It's not easy to look beyond our limited views, beyond stereotypes, beyond misconceptions. The news every day shows us with increasingly stark clarity what happens when we live in and act from our fears. We know that's not what we want.

During the next few weeks, look for (at least) one limiting idea you're holding on to. Take a compassionate look at where that idea came from and how it served you in the past. Then let it go. Look for the opening gate. Step through into a new idea. Repeat at will."

Limiting idea? I'm not sure if it's a concept or a belief I need to let go of, because it seems to me that what I'm experiencing is my amygdala not my pre-frontal cortex's version of things. It's more as if my body were constantly saying, "Be afraid! all the time! adrenaline! adrenaline! emergency NOW NOW NOW!" and then I spend enormous amounts of energy trying to shut that off, not let it show, keep it together in public, not cry all the time, not lash out with fear and confusion.

So this is what I'm going to take away from this:

Yup. Grand Trines, Grand Sextiles. Be a conscious creator. Converting my home's heating system from steam to hot water so we can survive the inhumane winters of these latitudes.  "Clarifying my diagnosis" from Major Depressive Disorder to Bipolar 2, rapid cycling. Getting off the old meds, and feeling all mah feelings. Let go of control. Walk away from competition and judgement.

"What you seek is also seeking you."

I'm 100% nerd, but my inner geek girl deserves some love

I didn't know a single other girl like me when I was growing up. I tried to fit in with people for whom my inner life was either invisible or a source of mockery. I settled for being a literary nerd, professionally. But I've realized lately that my inner geek wants to come out and play, and the book nerds around me, with the exception of the DH crowd, regard my geekery with disgust: bad taste!
Well, as the song says, Haters are gonna hate.

On reading The New Yorker

I am ten New Yorkers behind! I just discovered that there is a blog called Reading the New Yorker. 

I think I should only read the New Yorker in the bathtub. I will read one in the tub, and see how long it takes. Then I will know how long my bath should be. I know that in the olden days, I would not  have been able to read an entire New Yorker in one bathe. But now, I think I could manage.

Comment "word verification" back on.

I hate having to do "word verification" to post comments to other blogs, so I tried turning it off on mine. The amount of spam was daunting, so it's back on. Sorry. It really is a pain in the butt, and I don't even have very many readers.

The Cafe Barbette Bastille Day block party 2013

Cafe Barbette hosted their Bastille Day block party again, and it was a blast.  The weather was perfect, and Eureka Recycling was on hand to make it a zero-waste event. The event raises money for the organization People Serving People, a homeless shelter for families.

There was food and drink, lots of cute babies and people with elaborate tattoo sleeves, a guy who juggled fire and machetes,  burlesque Marie Antoinette, and several bands. Lucy Michelle played with her new band which includes Chan Polling and John Munson, and I stayed long enough for the set of the Suicide Commandos.
Here they are, on a segment of our local public TV show MNOriginals!

Saturday morning happy round-up

ZooBorns has a photoset of the cutest baby tapir EVER. Seriously, look at that little foot! That side eye!

Sam Rockwell is in the new movie The Way, Way Back, which I'll probably go see today because: Toni Colette AND Allison Janney. He and Jimmy Fallon had an improv dance-off last night. I like the Sassy Lasso and the Puttin' on some Deoderant. Also the Itch on my Back I Can't Reach.


File under: Aww!


Graham Norton funny moments roundup.

Norma Miller, still dancing

When my toe heals, I plan to go swing dancing again!


They invented the lindy-hop at the Savoy Ballroom in Harlem, and Norma Miller was the Queen of Swing. It was a club in Harlem, but white people started coming for the music and the dancing, and it became one of the first integrated spaces. This routine in the movie Hellzapoppin' still amazes because they did not speed up the film; they really do dance that fast. The movies brought the lindy to the world.

The Ken Burns documentary "Jazz" has a bit with an interview with legendary dancer Norma Miller, who tells the story of dancing there for the first time when she was just a kid.


She would go on to become a pro, one of Whitey's Lindy Hoppers with her dance partner Frankie Manning. Norma Miller has written many books, and she is an eloquent teacher as well.

. The swing revival happened when young people sought out these dancers, to learn from them and keep the tradition alive. This video interview, made in 2006, features Frankie Manning at 91with Chazz Young and Norma, talking about dance, their lives and memories,  and just being gracious and cool.


In this clip, Norma Miller raps and sings about making her living teaching dancing lessons, and dances a bit with Chazz Young. She is 90 years old in this video, people!



Ari Seth Cohen, who celebrates women of  Advanced Style at his blog, shot this clip with his iPhone at the Lincoln Center event celebrating swing. Still dancing!

Broke mah toe. Feeling mah feelings

Yesterday I broke the middle toe of my left foot.

Yes, a different one, not the same one. No, not the same piece of furniture I blundered into last time, a different one. Yes, it has turned all purple and hurts like hell. No, I probably don't have to get it X-rayed since it's not crooked or bleeding; the "advice nurse" said to keep it elevated, ice it, tape it to a "buddy toe" (with a little cotton between the toes) and just wait until it heals. Yes, I cried.

I was able to walk to the movie theater last night, but walking home was a lot harder, because of the swelling. When I got back home last night, I was able to water the garden, which I find very soothing, and get down the stairs to the basement to put the laundry in the dryer and get the other load upstairs. I just had to do it all very very slowly and very carefully. I will have to do EVERYTHING very very slowly and very carefully for the forseeable future because when I don't, I smash into furniture and break parts of my body.

I don't know if I'll be able to drive with this stupid toe like this for a few days, but I don't have to drive anywhere until Wed night. I suppose I could take a bus or a cab. One day at a time. *pant pant* Now I am trying to keep The Little Red Hen from leaping back into action. Back the fuck off, Little Red Hen!

Do you know who else broke his toe? Aragorn, that's who. At least I didn't break mine kicking an orc helmet:



Well, that's life. I can  cook the garbanzo beans I soaked last night with the last bit of the ham. I can make Vitamix smoothies. It's not as if there aren't plenty of things to do in the house. I'll be lying down today with my foot elevated, watching episodes of Drop Dead Diva, because I need something funny and elevating right about now.
 

One from the box of records: Soviet Army Chorus and Band On Parade

One box of records was all I was able to bring with me when I moved to Minnesota from California. I left behind several hundred LPs, the fruit of combing bins for dollar deals in Berkeley, San Francisco, and Paris over a period of twenty years: folk, rock, jazz, Latin music, punk, funk, R and B, classical, musicals, opera. I gave my ex-boyfriend the opera singer all the boxed sets of complete operas I had acquired while living with him. The rest of the LPS I left in my mother's garage when I moved. When she did a big clean-up, she told me they would have to go, so I let her got rid of them, and just brought the one box home on the plane.  I just couldn't afford to have them shipped to Minnesota. I've left behind so many things in all the moves our family made over the years, and in all the moves I've made since I moved out of my house at 16. I try not to mourn the things that got left behind, especially when I think of how many times I moved in Minneapolis before I landed in the home I have now. All that schlepping! and there really isn't room for all those records, so where would they have gone? But I did love them dearly.

So, when I discovered this box of records in my basement storage room, after having forgotten it almost completely, I had completely forgotten what was inside. Handling each record brings back a flood of very particular memories: where I got it, where I was living when I listened to it,  people I was with, the light in the iving room of my apartment in Berkeley when I lay on the couch listening to some of them, the feeling of lying on the floor in our house on the Presidio when I was in Junior High, when I would put my father's giant speakers on either side of my head and listen to certain records over and over.

I don't even remember why I saved some of the records in this box and not others. Some are clearly favorites, but a lot of favorites didn't make it into the box. Some have symbolic meaning, others might just have been precious because they were so hard to acquire. The Coleman Hawkins/Lester Young compilation I bought in a bin in an outdoor market in the 7th arrondissement in Paris, and then when I lost it (disaster!) I actually found it and bought it again in the same place in Paris on a later trip.

About half are records that I took with me to college from my parents' collection: there are the two precious Joan Baez records, a lot of classical music, and one particular gem: The Soviet Army Chorus and Band On Parade: Folk Music, Choruses, Marches and Dances.

I just loved the image on the cover of the album (shown in the first video below). The jacket back has lyrics in English and Russian to the eleven songs, and I used to wonder about some of the names: a song about rye? Here are the songs:  On the March, Rise Up Fair Sun, Oh How On a Hill, Oh You Rye, Soldier's Competetive Dance, Song for the Journey, Song About the Headman from May Night, Yermka's Song from The Power of Evil, The Grey Cuckoo Cried, Oh You Lass, Cossack Cavalry Dance.

The ensemble is also widely known as the Red Army Chorus, but its official name is The Alexandrov Ensemble:

"The A.V. Alexandrov Russian Army Twice Red-Bannered academic Song and Dance ensemble (Russian: Дважды краснознаменный академический ансамбль песни и пляски Российской армии имени А. В. Александрова, Dvazhdy krasnoznamenny akademichesky ansambl' pesni i plyaski Rossiyskoy armii imeni A. V. Alexandrova), in short, the Alexandrov Ensemble (Russian: Ансамбль Александрова, Ansambl' Alexandrova)"

The first song is called "On the March" on the record, but the Russian name is в поход! and "Let's Go!" might be a more literal translation.

 
Along with the stirring marching songs, there are also sweet traditional love songs, like this one, "Oh, you rye!" sung by the tenor soloist Evgeny Belyaev.

"Be Here Now," Mason Jennings

 I heard this song on the Current while I was on my way to Brain Camp last week. It leapt out at me. I really love Mason Jennings, his wonky voice, his wonderful guitar playing, his amazing lyrics, although I discovered him through his recent darker, electric guitar album Blood of Man instead of his earlier more sweet acoustic stuff. The song "Be Here Now" is from his 2006 Boneclouds album.

The lyrics were perfect for that day.

Be here now, 
no other place to be  
Or just sit there dreaming 
of how life would be 
If we were somewhere better  
Somewhere far away 
from all all worries  
Well, here we are
 
You are the love of my life
 
Be here now, 
no other place to be 
All the doubts that linger, 
just set them free 
And let good things happen  
And let the future come into each moment  
Like a rising sun
 
You are the love of my life  
You are the love of my life  
Yeah, you know you are
 
Sun comes up and we start again  
Sun comes up and we start again  
Sun comes up and we start again 
Sun comes up and we start again 
Sun comes up and we start again  
Sun comes up and we start again



Here's a short film about the making of "Blood of Man" the first album of his that I heard. He played all the instruments, recorded and mixed it entirely himself. The whole album is amazing.



My daughter will testify that the song The Field that The Current played for a while used to make me burst into tears when we were driving her to school, because it was about war and a parent's loss and grief. We had to change stations when it came on for a while :)

Today is a day for Bjork love.

Here's an older song "One Day" from Bjork's album Debut, released twenty years ago today.  Here is a collection of interviews with her.


"One Day"

one day
it will happen
one day, one day
it will all come true

one day
when you're ready
one day, one day
when you're up to it

the atmosphere
will get lighter
and two suns ready
to shine just for you

i can feel it

one day
it will happen
one day. one day
it will all make sense

one day, one day
you will blossom
one day, one day
when you're ready

an aeroplane
will curve gracefully
around the volcano
with the eruption that never lets you down

i can feel it

and the beautifullest
fireworks are burning
in the sky just for you

i can feel it

one day
one day

This song goes well with a song she released and performed on her Vespertinen tour.  It's In our Hands, here performed live at the Royal Opera House. 

(I also like the Soft Pink Truth remix of this song, for dancing!)

"It's In Our Hands"

 Look no further
 Look no further
I look no further

Cruelest, almost
Always to ourselves
It mustn't get
Any better, off

It's in our hands
It always was
It's in our hands
In our hands

It's all there
In our hands
It's all there
In our hands

 Well, now aren't we
Scaring ourselves
Unnecessarily?
Aren't we trying too hard?
 'Cause it's in our hands

It's in our hands
It's all here
It's in our hands
Look no further
I look no further
 It's in our hands
It always was

It's in our hands
It's in our hands
It's in our hands
It's in our hands

Next steps, or what is my diagnosis and why does that matter?

Greetings, all.

Please note. I am not endorsing the sleep medication being advertised here, because I actually take a different one, but now that I am off the anti-depressants, I do have my dreams back now, and that makes me very happy!

Here's what I have been working on since I finished Brain Camp since I finished my Adult Partial Hospitalization Program.

(Brain Camp Fashions, courtesy of Fresca)

I will see my doctor on Friday. I trust her. She is kind and takes the time it takes to help me. We will be consulting about when and how I return to work,  officially. That may be as early as mid-July, but I'm not certain yet how realistic that is, given how sick I still am. And I am NOT thinking about what I have to do to communicate with my workplace until after I have spoken to my doctor because that particular activity triggered my hospitalization.

First, what's up with my thyroid? They did some blood work while I was in the hospital, and all of the tests they did came back normal, except a thyroid indicator, the TSH level. A high TSH level points to the possibility of "hypothyroidism."Not only is my TSH level no longer in a range considered healthy, the level is also significantly higher than it has been in a series of TSH tests going back to 1998.

[Look at this amazing self-portrait, featuring the thyroid, by medical illustrator Meg Gullotto. I really admire her work!]

So, the next step is to do a complete exam and a series of more sensitive tests to see if my thyroid is working properly, or if my body is metabolizing the thyroid hormones properly. (My inner physiology nerd loves learning about this!) The bad news: I might have thyroid problems. The good news: if my thyroid is wonky, this is something that responds very well to treatment, and it could explain many of my symptoms of the past several years, not just last year, both physical and mental. If it turns out that a thyroid deficiency has been causing some of my health issues, treatment of the deficiency could significantly improve my health.

Next: do I have a different mental health diagnosis now? both the inpatient shrink, Dr. Dishy, and the Brain Camp shrink, Dr. V, agreed with me that being off all psychiatric medications now is a good idea.  (Dr. Indifferent, who had me on the Wellbutrin, said that since I wasn't taking shrink meds any more, I should go somewhere else. Thanks, buddy.)  But here's the deal.  Dr. V and the kindly and super-competent Brain Camp staff have told me that they believe that my diagnosis now is quite likely NOT Major Depressive Disorder (aka: unipolar depression, or only episodes of depression) but "bipolar 2".

Wait, what? what is bipolar I? what is bipolar II? wasn't I being treated for depression? is it different? Did the bipolar stuff just emerge recently, or was I misdiagnosed? Does it matter? Do I need to rewind the last ten years and ask myself if I have been dealing "Bipolar II" all along, or is this a new thing that just happened last year? Big questions, folks, and a little scary. Of course, remember, if my mood swings and symptoms are due to a thyroid disorder, then this mood disorder diagnosis may not be accurate, at least according to the DSM:   "The mood is not the result of substance abuse or a medical condition."

As I understand it now, after a couple of weeks of conversations and research, Bipolar II is what they call it when you have several episodes of depression and a few episodes of "hypomania." UGH! New words. What is hypomania, and do I have it/am I doing it? Actually, when it was first defined for me, in conversation during the intake for Brain Camp, I said, yes, that sounds like what last year has been like for me. Then I cried. So, it helps to be able to talk to other people about it, or to read about it, instead of just thinking privately to myself, "Why am I behaving this way? I must be a very bad person."

The important thing to for me to tell you, dear readers if you are out there, is that I have never had full-blown mania (no hallucinations, no delusions). Nor have I ever struggled with some of the impulsivity issues some people have (spending sprees, gambling, running off with an Elvis impersonator to Vegas, hot-rod racing, substance abuse).

Fortunately, by the time I was informed that my diagnosis was probably different, I had already taken myself off SNRI duloxotene, because is not considered a safe drug for people who might have Bipolar II. It can even trigger mania or hypomania. Maybe it DID trigger my hypomania. *Crying some more*. AND I've been off the brain-shredding Wellbutrin, and my anomic aphasia is finally beginning to recede. (This will require a separate post).

Since I discontinued taking the meds, I feel more present to myself. I have my dreams back (see above--YAY!)  and I feel the capacity to be more resilient now that I have been clear of those medications for a couple of months. No, I'm not all better yet, but I feel grounded for the first time in a long time.

Before I went into the hospital at the end of May, my therapist and I were seeing real improvement in my fibromyalgia pain levels. I told a couple of people that I was experiencing days that were pain-free, for the first time in my adult life. This is huge, people! So I know that I was doing good work with the Mind/Body Syndrome book by Dr Schubiner. But it got swallowed up in all the other stuff. Dr Dishy and Dr V agreed with me that I do not need to take a different medication right now since mood I am not experiencing a mood disorder now (I'm neither depressed nor manic/hypomanic right now, although I am still shaky, tearful, dropsy, easily startled, and hypervigilant). They support me, and the Brain Camp program staff support me, in continuing to work with non-pharmaceutical approaches because they saw real improvement, as am I.

Frankly, I don't think the label itself matters until and unless I decide that I need a medication for mood stabilization in the future. My experience of the past six months has been that I am beginning to heal, and that I am confident that I can live in a healthier way and manage my symptoms better, with healthier habits of caring for myself, and with the support of unlearning some old mental patterns and learning some new ones. This is the stuff I'll be working on with yoga, DBT therapy, and with whatever other resources I can get when I talk to my doctor on Friday.

Also, prescribing myself lots of movies, outings with friends, meet-ups of like-minded people, and summer amusements.

Breaking the spell

Following the example of cold scientist, I read Rob Brezny's Free Will Astrology post for Scorpios a few weeks ago. Here is what he had to say for the week of June 13, while I was working on my stuff in the outpatient program:

 "It is kind of fun to do the impossible," said Walt Disney, a pioneer animator whose cartoon innovations were remarkable. Judging from your current astrological omens, I think you Scorpios have every right to adopt his battle cry as your mantra. You've got an appointment with the frontier. You're primed to perform experiments at the edge of your understanding. Great mysteries will be tempting you to come closer and lost secrets will be teasing you with juicy clues. As you explore and tinker with the unknown, you might also want to meditate on the graffiti I saw scrawled on a mirror in a public restroom: "Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible."

Sounds good to me! Too long in thrall to an old curse, I am breaking the spell.