Change is good

This week, I made a big decision. It will take along time to put into action, but in my gut it feels right. I'm going to let go of a dream that has been dead for a long time now. I'm very fortunate that the change I'm going to make can be done slowly, and in a way that shelters me from uncertainty, but it will be a big change. Looking back, I realize that I have been working hard in the last few years to make positive changes, but the paths I followed were dead ends. It's time to cut it all loose.

No more gnashing of teeth, no more chasing my tail, no more struggling, mired in the Slough of Despond. It exhausts me; it is dreary, and boring, and it could go on forever while I sink in over my head, every semester, and gasp and drown and flail.

I hereby declare that my war on reality is over. I surrender, and I'm going to move on. I have tried valiantly, and then foolishly, to change things I cannot change. (Because it wasn't FAIR!) They are not going to change. I, on the other hand, have changed, and need to make change, for the better. I'm must try to move forward  from possibility instead of fear. The fears have not gone away, but now I also feel a sense of certainty that I have always trusted in the past. This feels right.

Already, I am flooded with relief and eagerness for the future. At the same time, I'm humbled to recognize that I have choices that most people won't have. I can't, I won't let fear prevent me from making them.

Small steps.
I'm taking a medical leave to regroup, rest, recover. I'm leaning on my medical team: changing medications, working to find the right therapist, doing my spiritual homework.
So much clutter. It's time to cut it loose.

Argle Bargle

One step out the door. I'm requested a medical leave today, something I should probably have done two months ago when I fell into the Slough of Despond *shudder*

Maybe I put it off because the round of paperwork, phone calls, and permission is so daunting,  argle bargle. I have been waiting two months  (TWO MONTHS) for a medical appointment with a specialist because the only way to be seen any sooner would have been to check myself into a hospital. Which I very seriously considered, but then I decided to hold out as long as I could.

Is it an omen that when I got home the cat had barfed on the bathmat and peed on a blanket in his basket on the porch? I think I need to take him to the vet, poor baby.

what is this sorcery?!!??

Dragon House!

Warning Sign

I woke up sad this morning. The news is grim. Guns and war and greed and fear. In my own little corner of the world, I'm safe and showered with blessings, but paranoia seeps in.

Warning sign, warning sign,
I hear it but I pay no mind.
Hear my voice, hear my voice,
It's saying something and its not very nice.
Pay attention! Pay attention, I'm talking to you and I hope you're concentrating.
I've got money now, I've got money now,
C'mon baby, c'mon baby.

Warning sign of things to come (take it over, take it over)
It happened before, it will happen again.
Hear my voice, move my hair.
I move it around a lot, but I don't care. (what I remember)

Warning sign, warning sign,
Look at my hair, I like the design.
It's the truth, it's the truth.
Your glassy eyes and your open mouth
Take it easy, take it easy,
It's a natural thing and you have to relax,
I've got money now, I've got money now.
C'mon baby, C'mon baby.

Warning sign, of things to come (turn me over, turn me over)
Love is here but I guess it's gone now (hurry up babe,
hurry up babe),
Hear my voice, move my hair.
I move it around a lot, but I don't care what I remember.

Do you remember
What it is that you remember
Baby remember
Baby remember.

Rob Brezsny has a bit from his book Pronoaia next to my horoscope:

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When the spell is broken, you will be able to tap into resources you've been cut off from. When the spell is broken, you will finally notice the big, beautiful secrets that have been lying in plain sight. What is that spell? Can you break it yourself?

What is that spell? I blame, I blame the patriarchy.

Movies this week

Cloud Atlas. No, I haven't read the book. Yes, it does have some of the flaws of earlier Wachowski films, but damn if it isn't a spectacular, amazing, multi-narrative, multi-layered film that never slows down and provides some great actors with opportunities to play multiple roles. I'm not always a Tom Hanks fan, but he was brilliant. Halle Berry gets to be more than a pretty face, and Hugo Weaving is awesome as usual. Also features Susan Sarandon, Jim Broadbent, Hugh Grant, Jim Sturgess, Ben Wishaw (he is always amazing), James D'Arcy, and Doona Bae, who was just wonderful.  I want to see it again. Tom Tykwer is co-director, and he and his bandmates provided a gorgeous, gorgeous score.

Silver Lining Playbook (sneak preview). Finally Bradley Cooper gets a meaty serious role where he can show his acting chops. He and Jennifer Lawrence were terrific, and David O Russell managed to combine a serious and often frightening treatment of mental illness with humor and compassion, and a wonderful "redemption through ballroom dancing" ending that was both satisfying and self-aware.  Robert DeNiro gives one of his best comedic performances, and the supporting cast is terrific. The audience I saw it with applauded at the end. Good use of songs with Danny Elfman coordinating the music. Mandy Moore was the choreographer and dance coach.

Howl's Moving Castle. We adore Miyazaki movies, but we have only ever seen them on DVD. To see this film in a movie theater was wonderful. The quality of the art, the colors, the animation, the wonderful music: it was all so much more vivid and compelling on the big screen. They were only showing the English dub, but the voice acting was terrific: Christian Bale, Lauren Bacall, Jean Simmons, Blythe Danner, Emily Mortimer, Billy Crystal.

Life list #3: New recipe every week: Aloo Gobi

I'm getting a box from my CSA, Featherstone Farms, every two weeks this winter. In the past, I've always done the summer share, and I love it, but I'm a big fan of winter root veggies and the kind of greens that you can get in the late fall. I'm interested to see what kinds of crops we'll get. So far in the first two boxes I have received cilantro, parsley, delicata squash, beets, kale, spinach, potatoes, red and white onions, radishes, tender cauliflower, fabulous broccoli,  cabbage, and napa cabbage. Oh, and a pumpkin!

I can tell I'm going to have to make sure I don't get behind on cooking all the vegetables! Today, I roasted some of the carrots and potatoes with olive oil and salt, roasted the beets in their jackets, steamed the spinach, and baked a kabocha squash I had from before. For my new recipe of the week, I made a cauliflower curry from the slow-cooker cookbook. All the vegetables were from the farm except the garlic and ginger.

Slow-cooker cauliflower curry (Aloo Gobi)
Chop a red onion, super fresh cauliflower and sweet crisp carrots. Throw in a few small potatoes, garlic and ginger, some chopped cilantro. Season with Garam Masala, salt, pepper, cumin. Add two T of good tomato paste (in the absence of fresh tomatoes) and a splash of beer to moisten. Mix it all up in the slow cooker, then cook on low for 4-5 hours. Everything gets melty and permeated with the sauce, and the whole thing is yummy.

The carrots are not typical, but I couldn't resist. I could have added a sliced jalapeño or serrano pepper, some turmeric, maybe toasted some black mustard seeds, but I didn't have them on hand. One can also prepare this on the stove top, but I LOVE my slow-cooker.

Monday's Scorpio New Moon Eclipse

A new moon is a time for planting seeds, and the new moon in Scorpio means we have the chance to dive deep and work through our deepest truths, to be reborn like the phoenix from its ashes.
What would this mean for you? What does it mean for me?

Monday's total solar eclipse intensifies this moment; the sun, the moon, and the earth are aligned.  The last such eclipse in this series was 18 years ago, within days of my child's birth and my own birthday. It was a moment of profound transformation, birth and rebirth. Now she is 18 and has moved out of the house, on her own journey as an artist and student and a young woman. I didn't realize how profoundly this would affect me, but after some hard struggle I am moving through, opening myself up to this moment of transformation.

The Scorpio archetype calls to mind Persephone's descent to the underworld, which she must do to detach from her mother Demeter.

Kelly Rosano says: be a conscious creator.

At Empowering Astrology,  prepare yourself  "To boldly go where no man has gone before".

Molly Hall suggests some Scorpio New Moon Tips

• Avoid obsessing on "what ifs" -- gravitate to activities that make you feel hopeful.
• Take a long bath with special salts or oils. (I went to the sauna at the Y)
• Minimize the rushing around, in favor of some empty space on your day planner.
• Sage your space, and invoke spirits of protection, if necessary.
• Recall your energy from bad investments, and feel it concentrating around you.

Detox and purge. Surrender and feel all the feelings, then let go of them.

Today I listen to Lucinda Williams's song "Get Right With God"

I would risk the serpent's bite
I would dance around with seven
I would kiss the diamond back
If I knew it would get me to heaven

(Chorus:)
'Cause I want to get right with God
Yes, you know you got to get right with God

I would burn the soles of my feet
Burn the palms of both my hands
If I could learn and be complete
If I could walk righteously again

I would sleep on a bed of nails
'Till my back was torn and bleeding
In the deep darkness of Hell
The Damascus of my meeting

I asked God about his plan
To save us all from Satan's slaughter
If I give up one of my lambs
Will you take me as one of your daughters?

Vote No: The moment they learned that their hard work had been successful

Waiting for the results on the MN constitutional marriage amendment,  the campaign workers for Minnesota United for All Families listen to a pep talk and are told by campaign director Richard Carlbom that they should probably go home. But first, a list of their accomplishments in the campaign to get out the vote and talk to people about the issues.  Suddenly, a phone call and the announcement that the AP has called it: the No vote won. Jubilation!

Antidote: Jon Stewart mocking Fox News

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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"Is that just math you do as a Republican to make yourself feel better?" Megan goes to the Decision Desk.

Resaca

After a year of relentless psychic brutality, the campaigns are over. I'm feeling physically and mentally battered. I need to do some kind of cleansing ritual.

"Dirt Day" Laurie Anderson at the Walker

I saw Laurie Anderson perform "Dirt Day" at the Walker last night. I ended up with an extra ticket at the last minute, so I left it at the box office; they said a woman was on the waiting list. After I had been in my seat for a while, she arrived, offering to pay me. I said that since it was going to be my birthday, the ticket was a gift. We talked and discovered some things in common, so after the show, exchanged emails.
The piece was nothing like the "hits" I know, but combined many of the elements of her previous work. It was infused with great melancholy, as well as humor.

And, for old time's sake, here's the first thing I ever heard her do:

Ha, Ha!