Accomplishments

Looking at pictures of myself from this past year is painful. I look beside myself, because I am. More recently, I'm getting through each day a little better now, but it's still very tentative. A tool that is helping me is the daily log, in which I record sleep, food/drink, mood, meds, etc. It allows me to remember things, now that my memory has been trashed. It helps me see what direction the changes are going in: manic, depressive, both, or none of the above. Lately, it's almost none of the above, but still a little bit depressed.  This is a great improvement over a month ago.

I'm sleeping OK! better than before, but still groggy in the AM. Not trusting myself to drive after dark while I'm still adjusting to this new med means turning down some invitations, sad. Being alone almost all the time: sad.

Core goals: getting to Day Treatment on time and not missing my volunteering stints twice a week.

 Other recent accomplishments of note include:

• not getting my car towed during either of the two Snow Emergencies, neither on the odd or on the even side of the street. This is a Major Accomplishment.

• shoveling the snow front and back for my building because my lazy-ass neighbors will never do it,
• completing the budget summary for last year, ditto,
• driving around the suburbs to banks and offices to deal with condo association business as we transition to a management company, because ditto.
• trying not to be so angry about this that it messes me up.

• doing the dishes every day.
• doing the laundry.
• taking out the trash.
• taking out the compost.
• and the recycling. 
• cleaning the cat box.
• keeping the cat alive with his diabetes meds and schedule.

• having healthy food in my fridge,
• eating breakfast,
• cooking food in my fridge before it goes bad,
• not eating all of it at once,
• only gaining ten pounds instead of twenty.

• reading whole books again, after months of not being able to read almost at all,
• returning them to the library before I owe money for them.

• picking up mail at the office on a day when I didn't have to run into anyone,
• shredding, without reading them, all of the course evaluations I'd saved since 1988,
• not reading them again,
• disposing of the shredded documents in such a way that they can never be read by anyone again, especially me.

• not freaking completely out over the weekly billing mistakes from a hospital, insurance company or management company,  claiming I owe them thousands of dollars when I don't,
• sorting out said bills without losing it completely.

• not being angry and sad all the time, just part of the time.
• letting myself be angry and sad without being so afraid that is will never stop. 
• saying stuff like this out loud because trying to hide it is getting me exactly nowhere.

Warning Sign

I woke up sad this morning. The news is grim. Guns and war and greed and fear. In my own little corner of the world, I'm safe and showered with blessings, but paranoia seeps in.

Warning sign, warning sign,
I hear it but I pay no mind.
Hear my voice, hear my voice,
It's saying something and its not very nice.
Pay attention! Pay attention, I'm talking to you and I hope you're concentrating.
I've got money now, I've got money now,
C'mon baby, c'mon baby.

Warning sign of things to come (take it over, take it over)
It happened before, it will happen again.
Hear my voice, move my hair.
I move it around a lot, but I don't care. (what I remember)

Warning sign, warning sign,
Look at my hair, I like the design.
It's the truth, it's the truth.
Your glassy eyes and your open mouth
Take it easy, take it easy,
It's a natural thing and you have to relax,
I've got money now, I've got money now.
C'mon baby, C'mon baby.

Warning sign, of things to come (turn me over, turn me over)
Love is here but I guess it's gone now (hurry up babe,
hurry up babe),
Hear my voice, move my hair.
I move it around a lot, but I don't care what I remember.

Do you remember
What it is that you remember
Baby remember
Baby remember.

Rob Brezsny has a bit from his book Pronoaia next to my horoscope:

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When the spell is broken, you will be able to tap into resources you've been cut off from. When the spell is broken, you will finally notice the big, beautiful secrets that have been lying in plain sight. What is that spell? Can you break it yourself?

What is that spell? I blame, I blame the patriarchy.

Sneaker wave

Poor lonely blog! I have been spending too much time with Twitter and Tumblr, so I have neglected you!

Some of my energy this year has been invested in working on wellness, always a precarious balance for me. But I signed up for a phone coaching thingie through my employer's wellness program, and one of their people called unexpectedly tonight. As we talked, I was able to look back and recognize that I have made real changes, and my back pain has really diminished. Yay! It's kind of strange to have a conversation about your health with a total stranger who is working from a script, albeit unobtrusively, but it does give you a chance to say, "what are my goals? how am I doing? what is getting in the way, what is working?" without going to see a therapist.

So. Up until this past week, I felt as if I had been having an exceptionally good year.  Accompanying my daughter through her high school graduation, college acceptance, and moving out to start her studies has been such a wonderful journey. So many long-term plans, so many past uncertainties, so much joy.  I'm so happy to see her so happy. My goal has been to give her what was given to me: the opportunity to study without taking on debt. What was relatively easy for my family has now become a much more daunting enterprise for a middle-class family, but I'm grateful it is still within reach for us. I feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that I've been able to manage to meet whatever needs are left over after her talent and hard work helped her achieve her goals.

I also initiated some long overdue action to improve my working situation this year.  This, unfortuantely, has not come to fruition the way I had hoped, and I have been more disappointed than I expected to be. In fact, this weekend and in the past few days I have experienced one of the worst bouts of acute depression I can remember in many years. It seems to come out of nowhere, like one of those sneaker waves that makes the west coast beaches so dangerous. Never turn your back on the ocean, they say. So I did something I have often failed to do in the past: I reached out for help until I found it.



Could it be the energy of the so-called "monster moon", the full moon in Aries of Saturday night, that my horoscope warned me would be so hard for Scorpios?  I thought I was safe until Sunday night when I broke a toe. Bwah! But cosmic energy can also be channeled by intention: What will I choose to make of the message that I received today, an offer of support that I experienced as a threat?
 

Rachel Maddow's "consequence-o-meter"

Rachel Maddow adds Anthony Weiner to the "Consequence-o-meter" which charts politicians' sex scandals by "more creepy/less creepy" axis and the "prosecutable" axis. As they say, smh (shake my head).

Gil Scott-Heron

I'm so sad! Gil Scott-Heron has left us so many amazing songs, so many true words. Another soul stolen from us by his demons, our demons.

"The Bottle"


"Home is where the hatred is"


"Winter in America"


"Rivers of our Fathers"


"And I Think I'll Call it Morning"

Now, more than ever
All the family must be together

Peace go with you brother
Don’t make no sense for us to be arguing now
Time is right up on us now brother
Don’t make no sense for us to be arguing now
All of your children and all of my children are gonna have to pay for our mistakes someday
Yes - and until then may peace guide your way
Peace go with you brother; wherever you go
Peace go with you brother

We lost Poly, too

Marianne Elliot Said was better known as Poly Styrene of the band X-Ray Specs. She was an inspiration for young women like me when the first punk movement emerged; we were  looking for those brave voices of self-confident women who spoke to us amidst the general anger and rebellion. She went on to be an artist, a mother, and an advocate,  had just released a new album, Generation Indigo, this March. Gone too young, of cancer.
 
"Germ Free Adolescent"

"Identity"

"I'm a cliche"
In this interview, she talks about the tracks on her new album.

Phoebe Snow, may you rest in peace

I'm so sad to learn of the death today of two amazing women whose music affected me, in very different ways. One is the marvelous Phoebe Snow, who died of complications following a stroke last year.

I was lucky enough to see Phoebe Snow perform when her hit album came out. What a BIG voice she had, and her guitar playing was also wonderful. She could be jazzy, bluesy, but her voice was totally original. Listen to "No Regrets" (a hit for Billie Holiday):

I wore her records out. I especially love "Let the Good Times Roll":

Why did she drop out of sight after making such a huge debut? Because her daughter was born with with brain damage, and she devoted her life to taking care of her. She kept her alive, despite predictions; she devoted herself to creating a loving life for her daughter for 31 years.  Take the time to watch this story about her life; it's worth it.

Remedy for the sads

Yesterday I faced one of the tougher situations I've ever had to deal with as a teacher. I won't go into the details because I don't talk about my students on this blog, but let's just say that I think I handled it OK, but it left me feeling profoundly sad for all involved and really disappointed in myself for not having seen the warning signs more clearly. I did the best I could yesterday, but I'm spending some time in the next few weeks trying to figure out what I could have done differently or better, even though I recognize that when people behave badly, sometimes there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

To cheer myself up as I head into my grading marathon, I'm sharing with you these amazing parrot videos. The bird is Lolita, and her friend peachy525 has clearly taught her well, starting with the simplest of songs, and building up to more complicated ones. ("you forgot "gently down the stream!") Lolita even freestyles at the end, clearly a happy and well-loved bird.

Then.. there is this: Lolita's rendition of the alternative metal band Drowning Pool's "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor"-- a song that gets used for a lot of youtube remixes. The vocal is by Dave Williams, the band's first singer, who died of heart disease after the first album was released. Lolita's version is going viral even as we speak. my favorite part? the way "nothing's wrong with me" seems to change to "nothing cockatoo" LOL!

There. I feel better now.