Sneaker wave

Poor lonely blog! I have been spending too much time with Twitter and Tumblr, so I have neglected you!

Some of my energy this year has been invested in working on wellness, always a precarious balance for me. But I signed up for a phone coaching thingie through my employer's wellness program, and one of their people called unexpectedly tonight. As we talked, I was able to look back and recognize that I have made real changes, and my back pain has really diminished. Yay! It's kind of strange to have a conversation about your health with a total stranger who is working from a script, albeit unobtrusively, but it does give you a chance to say, "what are my goals? how am I doing? what is getting in the way, what is working?" without going to see a therapist.

So. Up until this past week, I felt as if I had been having an exceptionally good year.  Accompanying my daughter through her high school graduation, college acceptance, and moving out to start her studies has been such a wonderful journey. So many long-term plans, so many past uncertainties, so much joy.  I'm so happy to see her so happy. My goal has been to give her what was given to me: the opportunity to study without taking on debt. What was relatively easy for my family has now become a much more daunting enterprise for a middle-class family, but I'm grateful it is still within reach for us. I feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that I've been able to manage to meet whatever needs are left over after her talent and hard work helped her achieve her goals.

I also initiated some long overdue action to improve my working situation this year.  This, unfortuantely, has not come to fruition the way I had hoped, and I have been more disappointed than I expected to be. In fact, this weekend and in the past few days I have experienced one of the worst bouts of acute depression I can remember in many years. It seems to come out of nowhere, like one of those sneaker waves that makes the west coast beaches so dangerous. Never turn your back on the ocean, they say. So I did something I have often failed to do in the past: I reached out for help until I found it.



Could it be the energy of the so-called "monster moon", the full moon in Aries of Saturday night, that my horoscope warned me would be so hard for Scorpios?  I thought I was safe until Sunday night when I broke a toe. Bwah! But cosmic energy can also be channeled by intention: What will I choose to make of the message that I received today, an offer of support that I experienced as a threat?