Thursday, November 28, 2013

DIY holiday challenge: paper snowflakes

There are lots of tutorials out there. It's harder than it looks.

How to make six-pointed snowflakes:

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

OK, I am ready for the holidays.

For the Thanksgiving potluck, we'll make green beans with Portobello mushrooms. A cherry pie has been purchased for pick-up tomorrow, at the request of Mademoiselle.

 I also have some turkey legs and thighs to roast (I love Barbara Kafka's book on Roasting, in which most recipes start with "preheat the oven to 500 degrees"). I only got the dark meat parts, because I have never liked the breast, and a whole turkey is too  much for us. We also some turkey necks to make soup for "leftovers."I want to try to do things with yams and sweet potatoes that involve more than roasting them, we will smash yukon gold potatoes with garlic, cook up cranberries and oranges for a relish, and try assorted other holiday goodies: nuts to crack, chocolates, maybe bake some cookies?

I think we will have to have a movie marathon of some kind, with hot chocolate; that will be a time to I get started on decorating projects. I've had my eye on the paper rosettes at Paper Source. They aren't hard to make. I also have  a bunch of gaudy beads that I don't want to use for jewelry, so maybe we can make some bead/wire ornaments.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Rokia Troaré, in concert


Rokia Traore, an amazing musician from Mali, will be playing at The Cedar Cultural Center tomorrow. I long to see her perform live, but I can't tolerate a concert in which I have to  stand up any more, and this is a standing show.

So I can watch this film of her amazing performance at Arles, in France.It's so wonderful to be able to find recordings of full-length shows on YouTube these days!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Again.

So. It turns out that the lithium was causing the weeks of hives and itching, which prevented me from sleeping, and was probably the cause of the return of the mixed-state type of mania (overwhelming anxiety, agitation, irritability, sensation that I could not breathe or swallow, inability to sleep, SI). I asked the psychiatrist repeatedly for help, especially for the itching, but she was indifferent, and rather horrid. She told me to go to the hospital. The therapist also scolded me about being  "medicine compliant" although I was incredibly compliant, to my detriment, as it turns out. I was such a good girl that I ignored my own intuition, based on my history of living in my body ("The lithium is not working! It might be making me sicker!"), and my diligent research (yes, lithium does cause itching and allergic skin reactions in some people! see all the articles in Pub Med!).  The Day Treatment people could see that my condition was deteriorating, and tried to help me get into a non-hospital setting, but there wasn't a bed for me. So last Friday night, I checked myself into the hospital, for a third time. I was in really bad shape. And I also stopped taking lithium, and immediately got better.

What is one of my biggest mood triggers now? having to petition and beg for help from people and institutions that do not follow through on their purported job functions or expertise, who routinely lose my forms, don't reply, brush me off, or treat me as if I am the problem rather then trying to be partners with me in finding ways to manage my problems. It's enough to make you crazy.

Being in the hospital is simultaneously safe and hellish. It is NOT a place one wants to go, except as a very last resort. This time, I had a psychotic patient invade my room while I was asleep; I hear the door open, wake up and squeak "Get out of my room!" three times. The staff then rush down the hall, swarm around and then gently herd the patient to a "secure room" (one with a lock), but I am left with an anxiety attack and must take a sleeping medication, because HOW CAN I GO TO SLEEP WHEN PSYCHOTIC PEOPLE CAN INVADE MY ROOM WHILE I AM SLEEPING? There is no lock on the doors because the staff check every twenty minutes to make sure you are still alive. I felt compassion for the psychotic person, but I was having my own mood-disorder panic attacks, so I couldn't shrug it off.

Other patients are hallucinating from detox or crying uncontrollably for hours. In this particular unit, the OT and group activities feel like baby-sitting, and I stop going because I just start crying from frustration. After a few days, I finally get a book I can read, so I can at least read. Because there is nothing to do: nothing, nothing, nothing, for hours and hours, days and days. No privacy, no escape from the endless horrendous noise of overhead announcements (phone calls, come to the desk, code whatever), no escape from the misery of other people's suffering. In exchange for tolerating this overwhelming sensory and emotional overload, and after the lost two days of the weekend (note to self: do not go to the psych ward on a Friday night. Do it during the week, if at all possible) you get access to a psychiatrist who will actually change your meds: I'm now taking Seroquel instead of lithium. It has its own issues (helps me sleep 7 hours: good! leaves me groggy for the first few hours of the morning: not so good!)  but I am incredibly thankful to have no more violent itching, no more panic attacks, no more overwhelming urge to die, no more sensation that I cannot swallow or breathe for hours and hours.
While in the hospital, I also got access, after insisting on it for days, to a social worker who could help me schedule appointments for a different psychiatrist so I could be seen in under two months. The social worker revealed, in our last interaction as I was being discharged, that she was mad at me because she thought I didn't like a therapist I used to see, which was why she hadn't met with me at first (WHAT?? WHAT?! Whatever, bitch, I am out of here).

Right now, it's as if I were wet, and now I am dry. Most of the symptoms just stopped. I'm sitting here, panting, hoping this peace will last, this time. And I'm NOT going back to THAT hospital again.

So: don't stop being my own advocate. Don't stop looking for a respectful doctor. Don't heroically hold out for days even after it has gotten really bad, because: why? Next time I have to go to the hospital, pack more books and my own art supplies, also: earplugs.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

On hiatus

I need to ease back from all social media for a while.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Seen from the Fairview Hospital North Building



Just beyond these turkeys is the Mississippi. They are strolling through the playground.  I think there were four of them.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Full moon in Aries, lunar eclipse

This Friday October 18 we  have a lunar eclipse of the full moon in Aries. All of us will experience big changes, shake-ups. How will we confront this? I have Aries rising and an Aries moon, so this I assume that  this will be intense.

Oh, say, this is interesting! this is directed at Scorpios:
"Your work life could be altered with this restless Aries Full Moon eclipse in your 6th House of Employment. Pushing harder to get new projects off the ground may not get them going any faster. It's smarter to develop your skills and refine systems to make them more efficient than to race ahead without building a solid foundation. Brilliant ideas may arise in an instant but turning them into reality takes time."

Dear Rob Brezsny says, for Scorpios:
"In Tim Burton's film Alice in Wonderland, Alice asks the White Rabbit, "How long is forever?" The talking rabbit replies, "Sometimes, just one second." That's an important piece of information for you to keep in mind, Scorpio. It implies that "forever" may not necessarily, in all cases, last until the universe dies out five billion years from now. "Forever" might actually turn out to be one second or 90 minutes or a month or a year or who knows? So how does this apply to your life right now? Well, a situation you assumed was permanent could ultimately change -- perhaps much faster than you have imagined. An apparently everlasting decree or perpetual feeling could unexpectedly shift, as if by magic."
Hmm, well I'm losing my job  getting rid of a situation that was making me very unhappy. I'm learning to live with a brand new diagnosis that is challenging me to make some radical changes. So far, that has been mostly scary, but I'm beginning to see the ways it will be liberating. Now is a great moment to reflect on what is changing and how I want to live these changes.

 Rising Moon Astrology calls on us to seize the moment:
"At this Full Moon, it will be tough to keep the lid on, or sweep things under the rug. Instead of getting all anxious about that, let's grab the bull by the horns and ride that tiger ... let's split those infinitives and mix those metaphors with gay abandon."
Yeah! go for it!

Cathy Lynn Pagano asks:
"What have you made of your life since 1994, the last time a lunar eclipse occurred at 26* Aries/Libra?"
Well, 19 years ago, I gave birth. So there's that! And we are now in a situation where these changes will not affect the support I want to give my child while she's in college, so I can let go of the security (and misery) of my employment, and be open to the unknown future.

 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Deterioration

After years of sleeping no more than 5-6 hours a night, for the two nights since I whacked my head twice in one fall, I have slept 8-10 hours. Good? not so sure. I'm still a little logy. No nausea or vomiting, no headaches, bleeding, or other warning signs that would make me go back to the ER, but I'm still not normal. Tomorrow I call one of my doctors for a follow-up appointment. I also start a 'Day Treatment' program (3 days a week) for the bipolar disorder because the depression has not gotten better even though the mania/anxiety symptoms are under control with the lithium.

Some of the depression is organic, and it has been aggravated by situational factors. I cannot work, and have not worked for almost a year, because my symptoms have been so severe, partly because of misdiagnosis and mismedication.   I don't know when I will be able to work again. My workplace has been treating me cruelly, and is trying to get me to quit. Not a single "colleague" has contacted me or expressed any solidarity or concern. The Dean has been trying to avoid meeting with me because he is following the HR script. I have lost my disability benefit despite being eligible, and am not sure if I'll retain my medical benefit. I have been awarded SSDI, which is good, but the amount per month is not enough to cover my basic expenses as they are now, so I am trying to cut and figure out what to cut so I can live on that amount. In two years I'll be eligible for Medicare, but until then, its MA or scramble. So I have downloaded the application for Medical Assistance. For the foreseeable future I am going to  be living with some economic insecurity, in part because the two other members of my condo association are refusing to pay their share of what we owe to two contractors. This causes me acute shame and distress. I am trying to borrow money to cover these bills, if necessary, but although I have been approved by my credit union, there is still more approval to go. It's starting to look as if selling my lovely little home might be necessary in the near future.

Every day I cry and cry. I have to work to remember why I want to go on living. This is scary because I do want to go on living, but these feelings are powerful and part of the disease. I am not yet sure if I can trust my new psychiatrist. I have only just met my new therapist. The last time I saw my primary care physician, she had a resident do the intake, and I really didn't like him. I'm so tired of petitioning the medical system for decent care and respect, even as I'm grateful for what care I have been getting.When they urge me to rely on my support network, I realize that I do not have one. I feel very alone.
My cat's health has declined severely and the vet does not seem to know what to do. Poor baby!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Orthostatic hypotension, syncope, and staples

I got out of bed at 4AM and somehow managed to pass out, hit my head on the kitchen counter, then fall on my face and split an eyebrow. Stitches for the eyebrow, staples for the back of my head (yeow). All my lab work and tests came back normal. No apparent heart problem, no visible head abnormalities, blood work fine. My best guess is that I have had another spell of orthostatic hypotension, because something like this happened to me years ago. I have low blood pressure and if I get out of bed too fast, I have had the experience of losing complete control of my limbs and plummeting to the floor, with my head bouncing off the furniture. The doctor I consulted said, "Don't get up from bed too fast," and I normally heed this advice when I am fully awake. But at 4AM, groggy, thirsty, I jumped out of bed, staggered down the hall, apparently tried to drink water and passed out. I first thought I had only cut my face, and went back to bed after I'd cleaned up a little. When I woke up again, there was blood on the bed from the back of my head, and I discovered that cut. What a mess.
I scrubbed the blood out of the pajamas, sheets, washcloths and bath mats, but I still need to run them through the washer. I washed the floors, and all the places touched with bloody hands. My head hurts like hell.
Ugh. This was already a shitty week.

Monday, October 07, 2013

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Eric Rohmer's "La boulangère de Monceau"

From the Edina branch of the library, I brought home three DVDs. I'm watching "La boulangère de Monceau" (1963) dir. Eric Rohmer, the first of his "six moral tales." Although I haven't seen all of his films, I really enjoy the ones I have seen them because they are so much about speech, and I because I love the French language. I'd much rather watch Rohmer than Woody Allen.

The last time I was in Paris was when I took my daughter there. She was about 12. We stayed in a neighborhood I didn't know very well, near the Parc Monceau. There was a street market just around the corner from our hotel, on the Rue de Lévis. So imagine my surprise when I began watching this  film and saw the market, the metro stop Villiers, the park Monceau, even that brasserie where we had enjoyed the most marvelous platter of seafood, served with all the flair of the Parisian brasserie waiter. The protagonist is played by a very young Barbet Schroeder in his first film role; he also produced the movie. This is a short film, only 23 minutes, but the Criterion Collection DVD includes a wonderful dialogue between the Rohmer in his 80s and his actor/producer Barbet Schroeder, who has continued to act and direct for decades. 

This clip establishes the setting of the film, and the fact that even this metropolis is like a village.


Saturday, September 28, 2013

Beethoven's Emperor Concerto

 I've been watching Netflix Instant documentaries. In Search of Beethoven is full of wonderful performances and interviews. It got me wanting to hear a piece I only have on vinyl, Beethoven's "Emperor Concerto." Here is Glen Gould performing.




Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Cloud Cult acoustic concert



I truly adore Cloud Cult. We saw them play outdoors  a few years ago, and they are fantastic live performers, so I jumped on the opportunity to get tickets to their next show in Minneapolis, in December. It will be acoustic, like the one recorded above at a radio station in Seattle.




Monday, September 16, 2013

The Fox

The original viral sensation:


The marching band version:

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Beethoven's 6th

And the headliner, Ludwig Van himself, with his  engaging symphonie pastorale.



Ludwig van Beethoven

Symphony No. 6, Pastoral

Edo de Waart, conductor

The Fifth and Sixth Symphonies, composed concurrently in 1808, were premiered together (with their numbers switched) as part of a four-hour extravaganza Beethoven produced in Vienna. The following year, they were published in the now-familiar order, with adjacent opus numbers. On the surface, the two symphonies seem unlikely twin siblings: the Fifth Symphony is dark and dramatic, with its imposing “fate” motive and triumphant progress to a major-key resolution, while the Sixth Symphony is relaxed and bucolic, full of extra-musical associations.
Beethoven’s Sixth was one of the first programmatic symphonies, with descriptive movement headings that evoked specific ideas and images. But this was not, for the most part, literal tone-painting, as in later works such as Hector Berlioz’s Symphonie fantastique or the symphonic poems of Franz Liszt and Richard Strauss. Beethoven, for his part, made this distinction in the title he inscribed on the parts for the initial performance, which read “Pastoral Symphony, or Recollections of Country Life: More an Expression of Feeling than Painting.”
Beethoven’s journals and letters reveal his love of nature, as when he wrote in 1810, “How delighted I will be to ramble for awhile through the bushes, woods, under trees, through grass, and around rocks. No one can love the country as much as I do. For surely woods, trees, and rocks produce the echo that man desires to hear.” Recognizing and appreciating the natural world was a cornerstone of the Romantic sensibility, as espoused by Enlightenment thinkers such as Jean-Jacques Rousseau. With the Sixth Symphony, Beethoven joined a common thread in music, art, and literature of the early nineteenth century that rhapsodized on the beauty and grandeur of the natural world, with a reverence that was in no small part spiritual.
What the Fifth and Sixth Symphonies share, along with other works from Beethoven’s “middle” period, is rigorous economy and unity in the musical language. Just as the first four notes of the Fifth Symphony influence every measure of the opening movement, the Sixth Symphony builds an expansive essay out of a seemingly naïve theme. The first movement, characterized as the “Awakening of cheerful feelings upon arrival in the country,” enters bashfully, with four quiet measures that trail off. Fragments of this figure build slowly, basking in long stretches of unmoving harmony and resonant pedal figures. The development section, often an opportunity for increased turbulence and activity, instead sinks deeper into a country calm, savoring each radiant change of harmony.
The second movement, “Scene by the brook,” establishes a lapping triplet pulse under another mere wisp of melody. The idyllic scene ends with a trio of birdcalls from the woodwinds, representing a nightingale, quail, and cuckoo. From here, the symphony diverges from a typical four-movement pattern. There is a Scherzo-like third movement, “Merry assembly of country folk,” but the rollicking dance music halts unresolved and is supplanted by the first staccato raindrops of the “Thunderstorm.” Fearful dissonances and thunderous timpani strikes make for a convincing tempest, until it trails off in one last upward patter from the flute. A clarinet takes over to establish the sing-song contours of the “Shepherds’ song; happy and grateful feelings after the storm.” This tune, at once humble and heroic, returns the symphony to its pastoral calm. Near the end, a hymn-like variant lends a deeper resonance to this warm-hearted conclusion.

Friday, September 13, 2013

SPCO concert: Schoenberg

After the super-melodic Serenade, we will hear a more modern piece. This is not the twelve-tone later work of Schoenberg, but it does challenge the listener who prefers more Romantic music. In some YouTube note conversation, someone mentioned how this music influenced movie scores.




Arnold Schoenberg

Chamber Symphony No. 1

Edo de Waart, conductor

Schoenberg’s earliest music represented a natural evolution of the Romantic ideal forged by Beethoven, advanced by Brahms and Wagner, and stretched to new limits by Strauss and Mahler. Although Schoenberg moved away from the hyper-Romantic style he developed in the early years of the twentieth century, works from that formative stage have proved no less groundbreaking and influential than the atonal and serial (i.e. twelve-tone) works from later decades. One score that serves as a template for countless modern compositions is the Chamber Symphony No. 1, completed in July 1906. Like the First String Quartet from the previous year, the Chamber Symphony progresses in one continuous, interconnected stream of music. Unlike the Second String Quartet and other works from 1908 and beyond, the Chamber Symphony still adheres, however precariously, to the strictures of tonality—at least ending on a major triad in the home key.
The First Chamber Symphony is, above all, a study in concision. The single-movement form, lasting some twenty minutes, incorporates five distinct sections, which Schoenberg identified as Sonata (Allegro), Scherzo, Development, Adagio, and Recapitulation and Finale. The symphonic ensemble is compressed to a chamber group of fifteen soloists comprising one of each stringed instrument, eight woodwinds and two horns, each part requiring considerable virtuosity and independence from its performer. Much of the musical material is drawn from two main devices: sequences of perfect fourths (as in the distance between the first two notes in “Here Comes the Bride”), and the whole-tone series, built from equally spaced whole steps. Groups of fourths and whole-tones, besides informing the melodies, also form vertical structures that serve as alternative harmonies, replacing more traditional triadic chords. The conductor and Schoenberg expert Robert Craft made the apt assessment that the First Chamber Symphony was “the densest, most compact and rapidly moving music up to its time,” yet the formal clarity and lucid orchestration guarantee that this powerhouse score delivers its message with the utmost cogency.
Aaron Grad ©2013


SPCO concert: Dvořák

The Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra program notes for tonight's concert, for which we have FREE tickets!
If the start of the show is Beethoven, the other two pieces are also delightful. I am fond of Dvorak, and eager to hear how the SPCO performs the Serenade by Dvořák. Apparently, this piece caught the eye of Brahams, whose patronage helped get Dvořák to the next level of his musical career,


Antonín Dvořák

Serenade in E Major for String Orchestra

Edo de Waart, conductor
Dvořák spent his early adulthood scraping by as a freelance musician in Prague; he accompanied church services from the organ, played viola in a dance band and the local opera orchestra, taught piano lessons, and kept up his composing on the side. One source of income he tapped was the Austrian State Stipendium, an annual competition for composers. He won cash prizes each year from 1874 to 1876, and, more importantly, caught the attention of the panel’s newest judge, Johannes Brahms. Dvořák’s 1877 application included the Serenade for Strings (Opus 22), a work Dvořák had composed over twelve days in May of 1875. By this point, Brahms was so impressed that he forwarded scores on to his publisher, Simrock, writing, “For several years I have enjoyed works sent in by Antonín Dvořák (pronounced Dvorschak) of Prague. … Dvořák has written all manner of things: operas (Czech), symphonies, quartets, piano pieces. In any case, he is a very talented man. Moreover, he is poor! I ask you to think about it!” Simrock soon commissioned Dvořák’s Slavonic Dances. Within months of that work’s 1878 publication, performances had occurred across the continent and even as far away as London and New York, launching Dvořák’s international career.
The Serenade, as practiced by eighteenth-century composers, comprised light-hearted (and often forgettable) music to be performed outdoors at public gatherings in the evening. By the nineteenth century, composers applied the term more generally to pieces of a pleasing, “night-music” character with a loose assemblage of movements, a format that suited Dvořák’s gift for melodic invention. Most of the movements of the Serenade for Strings follow a streamlined three-part structure, with statements of a primary theme (or group of themes) separated by a contrasting middle section. The opening Moderato demonstrates this simple elegance, forgoing an introduction and developmental transitions, and instead moving without delay from one memorable melody to the next. Singable themes continue to unfurl in the Waltz, Scherzo and Larghetto, the last of which provides a rich and sentimental departure from the Serenade’s cheery disposition. The Finale rounds out the Serenade with a dash of craftiness, introducing canonic imitation and surprising transitions into new sections. Playful quotations help to bring the work full circle: The touching Larghetto theme returns with a wry, syncopated accompaniment, and the mild-mannered Moderato theme appears in a trick ending before the boisterous coda.
Aaron Grad ©2011
Here is a performance by the Czech Chamber Orchestra.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Sunday cooking

I woke at 4, then fed the cat and took my meds at 5:30. The cat made me get out of bed again at 7. He seems to think it is his job to make sure I am not late for work or something.

Because there is a heat advisory today, I made plans to get out of the house early, and went to Kingfield Farmers' market. I got six ears of corn, a pound of heirloom tomatoes, okra, carrots, 2 bunches of lacinato kale (only $1 each!) and a bunch of parsley, a whole lot of green beans, a huge bouquet of flowers (dahlias, zinnias), and an ice-cream cone from the Crema stand. I wanted to linger because the music was good, but I knew I had a lot of cooking to do.

I cooked the corn first, then used the water to cook the green beans, and then the kale, after stripping the stems. I saved the broth separately to add to my Vitamix concoctions. The carrots I cooked in butter with some ginger and just a little bit of honey. I chopped up an onion and a yellow pepper I had on hand, and made a stew with the tomatoes and the okra. Some cooked corn kernels were added when it was done. I had thought of trying to make pickled okra, which I love, but I didn't have all the ingredients I would have needed. Next time. Apparently okra is one of those super-vegetables: low calorie, very nutritious.

My fridge is now full of veggies, and I will need to make sure I don't let anything go bad; I still have coconut rice and lentil stew leftovers to finish up.

Monday, August 19, 2013

What is Bipolar Disorder? Hey, I get to find out!




In the last several weeks, I have finally begun to really accept the idea that my diagnosis is not (or is no longer) Major Depressive Disorder, as I have believed for the past 14 years. It is probably more accurate to describe my condition as Bipolar II, or Bipolar 2, even if it also turns out that my thyroid is not functioning correctly right now.

So, hey. Fear. Fear and denial. Daily rapid cycles of fear, denial, sadness, confusion, pain, shame, embarrassment, irritation, depression, anxiety, tears.  ("Our chief weapon is surprise....bla bla bla bla bla").

Stephen Fry made a documentary in 2008, The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive, about his own struggles with bipolar disorder and that of others. It takes two hours to watch the whole thing, but it is worth it.
Part 1


Part 2





Monday, August 05, 2013

Chrissie Hynde


Late. I need to sleep, but my brain caught fire today and the embers are still hot. Tomorrow I have to be brave and strong, so I'm going to channel Chrissie Hynde. She moved to London from Akron, Ohio. She founded the band, wrote the songs, kept things going after two of her bandmates OD'ed, never stopped making music or standing up for what she believes. And she is a badass on stage.









Sunday, August 04, 2013

Sunday at the farm


The colt is about three months old now. His white markings are now surrounded by what look like bluish-grey lines. Apparently, this kind of marking on a tobiano paint horse is called a "blue zone' and is where there are white hairs on black skin. As you can see on his neck, there are blue zones around his "paw print" spots. He's also now eating solid food.
 
Only one of the apple trees is bearing fruit, but look how big the apples are already!


While we were out visiting the horses, we met up with some guests of our neighbor Carrie. They got the tour.

The flowers are lush, and the new bluebird feeders are designed so that racoons can't get up their slick poles.
This vine has been arranged around the border of the flower bed. I don't know yet if it will be pumpkins or some other kind of squash, but it has a lot of blossoms.

There are tomatoes, squash and eggplants in the garden by the garage.

Saturday, August 03, 2013

Home improvement, not home imprudence, or why I should not try to recaulk my tub by myself.

Yesterday my family pitched in, big time, to help me with all the chores and home projects that have been piling up and making feel overwhelmed. They did a huge amount of work, and I am so grateful! The biggest challenge to me, because of my fibromyalgia and the pain of doing certain movements,  has been getting stuff MOVED out: to the trash, to recycling,to be taken to Good Will, to be stored in the basement. SO MUCH STUFF! There are still things to be done, but now there are only two center of chaos, not one in every room. I can keep chipping away at it, with my daughter's help before she moves out again.

I have a big list of longer term projects I need to handle. I need a new oven/range because the one I have is has a big crack on the top with a jagged edge, and it is only a matter of time before someone gets hurt. I know where to get it, but I would like a shopping buddy, so Loren has volunteered to go with me to the Warner Stellian outlet store on Nicollet. I already know that I need a 30" free-standing gas range and a hood/vent. But which one? It will help to go with someone who is decisive and experienced.

The windows have to be washed on the outside, and I'm on the second floor. How much will a window-cleaning service cost that will not destroy my landscaping, such as it is? Dealing with tradespeople right now, with my (newly diagnosed) "mood disorder" issues, is a recipe for tears, so I will also ask the guys to help me with this. Little Red Hen, begone!

My place hasn't been painted in twenty years, and it looks tired and there is water damage in at least two rooms. I should start getting roofer estimates, but also just see if there are some places that can be patched until we can afford roof repair; the last job was 20 years ago, and was only guaranteed for 10.

There are bits of trim that need to be replaced in the kitchen.  My garbage disposal stopped working last week. Is there a reset button? I can't find it, and just crouching down and craning my neck to try to see send the FM into overdrive.

 The tub needs to be recaulked and/or regrouted (which? both? how?)

Today I learned that Boy Scouts earn merit badges for home r repair. Should I try to earn mine, or pay The Man?

 .

I am sure that I am competent enough to do the tub.  After all, I just removed an old toilet seat and installed a new one! But as I do my online research, I discover that there is great disagreement about caulk vs grout.
I have to know my limits. Home improvement should not make me ill.  This annoys me, but my lesson right now is to HUMBLE DOWN.