No chemo!

My oncoscore is an 8, very low. I was told this morning by the nurse who called me that it means no chemo! The oncoscore is what you get when they take some of the tumor tissue and run the genes through a database that correlates with survival rates after ten years. If you score low it means that no additional benefit would result from chemotherapy. Amazing. I will meet with an oncologist tomorrow to talk about the treatment plan so I'm glad that result is available to her. The next question is whether or not she'll recommend radiation. I had one lymph node with micro bits of cancer out of the three that were taken out. I don't know what kind of cutoff there would be: any cancer, radiation? If it's radiation, there could be one month of five days a week sessions. Even though each session is only about fifteen minutes, the commute will be at least 45 minutes each way plus the fifteen minutes to check in. But if they recommend it I will try to have a good attitude about it because I don't want to have lost a breast for nothing. There's an appointment with a radiologist for next week. I have a follow-up mammogram/ultrasound on the left side for six month from now.

I got a letter from my insurance company saying they denied the claim for hospitalization. I called them and was told I didn't need to do anything because they would resubmit the claim with the the proper procedure code. I'm not feeling very trusting so  I could call the Mount Sinai team to find out if that will happen. The guy on the phone said they'll do it because they want to get paid. Hmmm.

Breast cancer

It's been a long time since I wrote in this blog. I've settled into living in Brooklyn. It was interesting to reread my entries about the move here, my explorations and adjusting to my new place. 

A lot has happened. In September I was diagnosed with breast cancer from a routine mammogram. It is early stage, so I was reassured by everyone that it is very treatable. It took a long time to get a referral to a breast surgeon but I finally was seen by a doctor at Mount Sinai. The breast clinic is at the end of the L line in Chelsea, so it's easy to get there. I like my doctor very much. At first it seemed as if I would be able to get a lumpectomy followed by radiation.  I had two biopsies and one site was negative while the other was a tumor. But then I had an MRI which showed that the left breast was clear but there was a second site on the right side, too far away from the first to do breast conserving surgery so the recommendation was now a mastectomy. There was a lot of hurry up and wait with all the appointments and procedures. A complicating factor was that we had planned a trip to Tokyo and Seoul at the end of November, originally to coincide with Rosemary's artistic residency in Tokyo. But she postponed the residency so she could come to all my appointments with me. Bless her. I am so glad she was able to do that.

Long story short: we got to take the trip and then I had surgery at the end of December, just a few days before Christmas. It went well. I have one surgical drain. The pain was manageable with oxy and tylenol. The oxy gave me horrible constipation. I should not have taken it. The drain is gross but I get to have it removed tomorrow. I have been mildly uncomfortable as I heal--more in the armpit than around the big old incision. I chose not to have reconstructive surgery; I'll get fitted for a prosthesis. I have gone amazonian.

I have an appointment with an oncologist next week. Then I'll get to find out (I hope) what follow-up there will be. The surgery was successful in that there are "clear margins"--no cancer left. One lymph node was cancerous so they are going to do more pathology on the tumor tissue to determine my "oncoscore." If it's low, it should just be radiation. If it's high I might need chemo.  I'm going to hold out for no chemo, but we shall see. The whole experience has been more about the anxiety of logistics than life and death fear. I'm so lucky it was caught early and the treatment seems very straightforward. I have a follow up mammogram and ultrasound for next August. I'll have to have scans every six months. And I'll be taking some kind of hormone suppressor for five years. Maria and Drea both told me they had no side effects so I'm going to hope and pray that that is the case for me too.

Upcoming art excursions

Rosemary and I went to a Nick Cave exhibition at the Guggenheim. It was powerful work, with one floor dedicated to his earlier work and influences, another to present sculptural assemblages, and a room of his Sound Suits which we really love. When you see the earlier stuff, his engagement with the politics of black and queer representation are more overt. The sound suits began as a work of assembly that functioned as armor against racist violence. I'm sure he has a studio of assistants and "fabricators" that help him with the very labor intensive assembly of plastic and metal flowers, bird statuettes, buttons and beads, the detritus of thrift stores, fabrics and toys. 

Up next: Brooklyn Art Museum's Thierry Mugler show "Couturissime" which Rosemary says is really excellent.

The Poster House has two shows up that are worth a visit: Made in Japan and Black Power to Black People. I always appreciate the way the Poster House makes the most of its space to mount exciting shows.

There's a Georgia O'Keeffe show at the MOMA.

 

BAM

(wrote this Nov 6 then never hit publish)

BAM is the Brooklyn Academy of Music. I went to a movie with a MeetUp group there. It's an easy ride on the C and just a few blocks from the Lafayette stop. I saw Decision to Leave again and this time it made more sense, although I still don't get why she dies at the end. I got a senior membership and went back today to see the Met Opera simulcast with a nice little lecture  before about Verdi's life. We got all the way to the death scene when the livestream cut out because of a stupid automated bandwidth saving deal--so dumb. But it was revelatory, how much of La Traviata I remember listening to when I lived with Bill. I don't think I've ever seen the opera but I knew almost all of the music. There are several programs I'm interested in seeing, including a production of Trojan Women by the Korean National Theater that incorporate pansori. 

Here's Tito Gobbi singing "Di Provenza il mar, il suol" as only he can, so powerful and yet so expressive and flexible. No shouting.

 

 

Library

 When I first arrived here I sought out the closest library branch to get my card and to have a destination for walks. I was disappointed that the branch I visited had no magazines or newspapers, although it had a large children's section. Today I visited a different branch, one that is actually closer, but which doesn't have any magazines or newspapers either. I did read Alison Bechdel's latest book The Secret to Superhuman Strength. At one point the fire alarm went off, but we just sat through it until they figured out how to turn it off. 

I placed a hold on a biography of Margaret Fuller that inspired Bechdel--I'm going to  see what kinds of resources there are at the Brooklyn Public Library. It looks as if they do not have Kanopy or Hoopla, so I'll keep my Berkeley Public Library account open.

Fall weather

 It's time to experience fall weather in New York. It has been rainy and in the 50s during the day.  I have not wanted to go out walking on the days it rains, but I did get out on a Sunday to have lunch with Rosemary. We went to Sally Roots, a Caribbean place in Bushwick that serves brunch on weekends and a good guava juice cocktail. Another excursion was a lovely walk in the southern half of Central Park. And then our friend Carol was in town visiting and we met up with her and Maria and walked in Prospect Park after having lunch at a Middle Eastern place called Zaytoons on Vanderbilt, very good spinach pie.

In my neighborhood, as part of my explorations,  I walked to the store that carries Rancho Gordo beans and passed a Mexican-Salvadoran place called Maya Fusion Cafe. It turns out to have decent home-style cooking, so I got "una horchata y dos de lengua." I'll go back when I want hearty Mexican meal.

I started seeing a new therapist. It took a while to connect with the practice, but I'm seeing a student in a location that is right near Maria Hernandez park, so an easy connection on the L line. I like her!  And after my session today, I met up with Rosemary and we went to a cool vegan place called Hartbreakers. The salads were a generous bowl of kale plus romaine for me and shredded carrots and cabbage for her, with avocado and cherry tomatoes, good dressing. We added the chik'n seitan which was surprisingly good. A filling meal that is light on the calories. 

My next mission is to try out the Al-anon meeting closest to me on Saturday at 10. It's about half an hour away on foot, a little past Milk and Pull café.

Rancho Gordo beans

 Now that I want to eat more frugally, I hauled out my crock pot to make some beans. Not just any beans:  Rancho Gordo beans. I used to be able to get them at the SF Ferry building but they closed down that store, so I got them at the Berkeley Bowl (Oh, how I miss the Berkeley Bowl!). They are very fresh, heirloom and special cultivars that have terrific flavor. I went to their web site and you can search for locations that carry them by zip code using a map tool, so I found a store that is about twenty minutes away on foot, and went on a shopping trip today. It's a cute little cafe with some pantry items. I didn't stay to eat or drink anything because I'm on my weight loss program but I got black beans and pinto beans, just the basics. The company also has a bean club that there is a waiting list for, so I signed up for the waiting list. Here's company founder Steve  Sandoz cooking his beans without soaking them:

Weight loss goals

At a yearly check-up, I had some blood work done and found that my LDL cholesterol level was high. This has nudged me to take weight loss more seriously. I lost about ten pounds when I moved but then things have plateaued and I'm maintaining the same weight, not losing but not gaining either. I'm tired to feeling so sad about all these extra pounds I'm carrying around. I don't like the way I look, I get tired easily, and it's hard to find clothes that fit. Since I moved, I find that my eating has not been as healthful as it could be because I'm finding it hard to shop for the foods I want to eat at the stores in my neighborhood. The produce is not great. I can buy cottage cheese in one store but not the others. There's one larger "organic" market about 20 minutes away where I can get coffee, the good chips, and that lemon fava bean dip. At a smaller organic deli about 10 minutes away, I can get a few things but not all I want. At the supermarkets--and there are three close by--everything looks sad. I can get potatoes and onions and beer. The other obstacle, which I need to eliminate today, is that I don't have enough food storage containers I have a few Pyrex bowls with lids, but I need a larger tupperware thingie for crudité storage and a few more for steamed broccoli or green beans. I will walk over to the housewares store and get some. I don't want to use old yogurt containers because you can't see inside them and I'll forget and the food will go bad. I had an appointment with a nutritionist but she really had nothing new to tell me except to drink lots of water, increase my fiber, and swap lower calorie foods for higher ones. I know what I need to do: I need to increase my intake of fresh veggies and fruits, not eat chips with my hummus or fava bean spreads, cut out sweets and foods like empanadas and chicken wings when I go out. My goal for this week is to cook the broccoli and green beans I got, steam the spinach and kale, cut up cucumber, bell pepper, and celery, wash the baby carrots and just eat veggies and eggs. I got a loaf of Dave's 21-grain bread, too.  I need to get a toaster oven.

 Today I joined my daughter, her friend Hannah and Hannah's mother for an excursion in Manhattan. We met up at the Chelsea Flea Market and then had Korean food. It was lovely weather--the perfect temperature and no wind. Hannah's mom and I talked about life in Minneapolis, moving to Brooklyn and those times in our lives when we've done a big purge of stuff. She tells me that things in the Twin Cities have really declined--so many places have closed, neighborhoods have lost their cohesion, there are murders and car-jackings, a big gang war, lots of unhoused campers. Uptown is apparently almost empty with most of the stores and restaurants closed down, the movie theater closed, Calhoun Square an empty shell. We really were lucky to have lived there when it was lively and fun. I'm sad to hear about the decline and the cost of living sky-rocketing at the same time.

watching in September

 what I"ve been watching lately:

Finished watching and liked:  A League of Their Own, Ted Lasso, Reservation Dogs.

Ongoing: The Good Fight. I binged ALL the seasons and caught up to the latest (and last) season's premiere and second episode. I find it both entertaining and a little disturbing because it is all about the anxiety of today's politics.

House of the Dragon. Creepy sexual politics in the third episode, still watching it to see what happens next.

Rings of Power: Good, lots of parallel storylines.

Industry: creepy characters behaving badly while conducting incomprehensible financial shenanigans. Not great but I'm hooked.

Kdramas: watching three, but need to start a new one that is good. Maybe I'll rewatch something.

Little Women, gripping, still early days. 

When I Wish Upon You, Ji Chang Wook is so beautiful, I will watch this show just for him. 

Once Upon a Small Town, another one of these slice of rural life shows in which the Seoul transplant is the fish out of water. Our hero is a veterinarian. 

 

 

Cardinal neighbors

 One of the features of my new apartment, which is on the ground floor, is that the back door gives out on a garden with a couple of trees and some benches. I have not been using it this summer because of the heat and because the vegetation is overgrown and harbors mosquitos, but I expect that will change as the weather eventually cools down. Some of my bird neighbors are a family of cardinals. I heard a thumping noise coming from the kitchen and saw that a bird was bashing into the window. I was worried that it was not seeing the glass but when I approached, it flew away. There are bars on the window so it seemed odd that a bird would fly into it. A few days later it happened again. The bird was knocking on my window! I realized it was a female cardinal. A while later I met my landlord for the first time when he came down to mow some of the tall grass. I told him about the bird knocking and he said that this is because one of the tenants used to feed them, and that he himself gives them a nut every morning. I put some granola out and it got eaten but it didn't seem attractive to the cardinal pair. I had better luck with sunflower seeds--I threw a handful out and got to see the pair come down and eat them. I also saw a neighborhood cat try to sneak up on them. Apparently the back yard fence is referred to as the cat superhighway. I haven't heard the birds knocking on the window again but I also don't give them sunflower seeds every day. I did see that a juvenile was with them begging to be fed. I just put out some more seeds and heard their distinctive food chirps. Sure enough, the dad cardinal and one of the babies were out there eating, and the baby was being super-annoying and begging even though it was perfectly capable of eating the seeds off the ground. I"m glad to have cardinals as neighbors here because there were always cardinals near my home in Minnesota and I missed them in Berkeley.

Vintage shopping

 Today is Sunday and my anticipated excursion was to hop on the L and then walk to a couple of vintage shops on 3rd Ave not far from the L stop. But when I got on the L, it said it was only going to Myrtle Ave so I had to change my plan quick. I got off at Myrtle-Wycoff and got on the M that took me to the Lower East Side near the Metrograph and then walked about 30 (short) blocks up to 3rd and 22nd to the vintage shops I had mapped. I was looking for a couch or other living room furniture. The stores only had a few items, and none of the couches I saw would fit or were worthwhile. So I got to see what was in the stores and I got in a long walk. I took the 6 and then the J back. The day was hot and humid and while I was standing in the station waiting for the J I was literally bathed in sweat, completely wet. I had bought a bottle of water so I didn't pass out from dehydration but it wasn't the most fun. Accomplished: left the house and checked out the stores, had a long walk. Did not find a sofa. I need to check the Reuse America site every day.

Came home and finished binge-watching  Partner Track which was a very entertaining romance set in Manhattan law firms with a Korean-American lead and a focus on racism in the workplace. The main character has two love interests who are both white but the audience ships her with the Asian character Z and I can definitely see them getting a story in season 2.

Macosa Trattoria

 After several days of hibernating sluggishly, even though it's no longer in the 90s, I took a long walk to an Italian restaurant in Bed-Stuy: Trattoria Macosa. They were serving a limited lunch menu, so I couldn't get the papardelle with oxtail ragu, but we shared a burrata with peaches and ripe tomatoes, arancino with a spicy sauce, and chicken livers sautéed and served on crostini. For dessert we had a Crenshaw melon granita. I had a Negroni with prosecco. It was just enough food and everything was good. The owner who waited on us was very talkative and friendly, and we got stories about a transformative experience of being waited on kindly in a diner. I'll gladly go back in the evening to try their pasta. It's good to have an Italian place in the greater neighborhood.

Rosemary brought me up to date on her good fortune in her work life, and is off to spend the weekend in a big house with a pool in New Jersey. I walked to and from the restaurant--45 minutes each way. A challenge for my sluggish bod, but I did it and the rain was not too bothersome with my umbrella. Now it's raining harder and humid, but I'm cozy in my armchair with my fan.

In news from Berkeley, one of the two peregrine falcons I watched grow up and fledge, the female chick Lindsay,  was found dead on campus. Apparently the survival rate for falcons in their first year is not high. She might have been attacked by some hawks who have a nest in the area where she was found.  She was beautiful:

Aleppo pepper foiund at Sahadi's

Today I met my friend an we went to lunch at a Palestinian restaurant called Al Badawi on Atlantic Ave just a block away from our shopping destination, Sahadi's. I have been in search of aleppo pepper for months now, and this Middle Eastern deli and spice store had it along with lots of other exotic ingredients. I also bought some dried fruit, cheese, and sweets, and noticed other things I might want to try later. They have bulk nuts, good cheeses, olives, baked goods and even a little produce and frozen food sections. Next time I go I might get the tray of mixed baklava.

 

Just down the street is a cookware shop called Whisk that does knife sharpening--something I need to get done. You bring in your knives by Tuesday and they return them a week later. Maria says she has a knife block for me that she found on the street!

Death and taxes

 Just when I thought I was done with estate business from my mother's death, I got a property tax bill on her condo that we sold. I was confused because I thought that the bill should go to the new owner.  I called the tax office in SF and discovered that a new law in CA means that her death triggered a reassessment such that we owe money on the difference between what her property tax bill was, based on the Prop 13 valuation at her purchase price, and the price for which the property was sold since none of her heirs made it their primary residence and applied for exclusion; we owe about $4500. We still have some money left in her account for unexpected expenses but not that much, so we will each have to cough up 1/3 of whatever is left to pay after I close out her bank account. The lady who talked me through the explanation on the phone blamed it on the voters who did not understand the proposition that had been placed on the ballot as part of a package about fire relief. I am mildly resentful but resigned.

Heat

 I knew when I moved here from temperate Berkeley that I was in for some torrid summers and cold winters. My experience in Minnesota means I'm not unfamiliar with temperature extremes of both kinds. It's the case that I cannot put a window AC unit in my apartment because of window bars so I've been using a fan. Today it is in the mid-nineties so I will not leave the house. It's a little frustrating to be stuck indoors but I do not do well with heat and the times I've gone out for errands and excursions I have been reminded of that fact. I'm just treating 90+ temps as a reason to stay indoors and catch up on my Criterion watchlist. Yesterday I watched Myrna Loy movies and Charade. Today I will watch Arabesque. I"m halfway through season 1 of Sandman.

Today's event was the arrival of my Task Rabbit guy to hang my art. He is a very small cute guy from Ukraine who is very careful in his measurements and positioning of each piece. I called him back after he hung my drapes and attached the vanity mirror to the dresser. I didn't have him hang the pieces for the living room because I don't have the furniture situation in hand yet, but all the other pieces are up in the rest of the apartment. Yay!

Cholesterol management

I had a doctor's appointment to talk about my blood work. I need to lose weight because my latest blood work showed an elevated LDL cholesterol level. If it weren't so bloody hot, I could go back to my daily walks, but when I have gone out for errands or excursions, the heat has made it really hard. My cholesterol is not bad enough that medication is indicated, but it would be a good idea to lose weight as one way to manage it. For most of my adult life, I weighed between 120 and 125 and was in relatively good shape. When I got pregnant I gained a lot of weight, and after that it took a few years and a lot of ballroom dancing to get my weight back down there. But a combination of factors has meant a significant weight gain. I stopped dancing due to frozen shoulder problems. Menopause changed my metabolism. One of the medications I tried out caused a wild weight gain. Illness and inactivity for a couple of years were also surely contributors. I got up to 180. None of my clothes 'fit any more and I experienced a lot of fatigue and foot pain, A couple of times I have been able to take off ten pounds or so, but I never got below 150. 

In the last month I have started to slowly lose weight due in part to eating at home in my new apartment where my pantry is still not really stocked. I just broke the 170 barrier this morning. If I can continue to lose weight at this rate--about a pound a week--I could conceivably lose twenty more pounds in five months, by the end of the year. A modest goal of losing 20 lbs feels doable. I am cautiously optimistic.

Mattress quest

 I bought a mattress when I moved and had it installed before I actually took up residence. I was so happy to have accomplished this goal. But I woke up every morning stiff and in pain--the muscles of my torso, my ribs and around my spine were sore. I could not lie on my back or my sides without pain when I breathed. I exchanged the mattress with the same manufacturer for a firmer one, hoping that it would do the trick. No luck--I was still experiencing pain every morning. It didn't hurt when I lay down and went to sleep but I'd wake around 4AM unable to get back to sleep and too tired and sore to just get up. Once I was on my feet or sitting in my chair, the pain would mostly go away. I thought it must be the memory foam top layer making my spine curl up funny, so I scouted out the location of a nearby Mattress Firm store and went in and got a new firm mattress with no foam topper.  Thank goodness the store was only a few stops away on the L line. But it turned out to be even more uncomfortable--I overdid it on the firmness. I tried folding my winter quilt and using it as a topper and it was just a little bit better, but still painful. Now I am on mattress number four--I went back to the store yesterday and laid down on a couple of mattresses, and decided to get one that has a gel and foam top layer with coils underneath. The sales people pointed out that if I didn't have proper lumbar support, my body would sag into a bad position.They were very generous and allowed me to do the trade-in  for the same price even though the new mattress was more expensive.  The delivery will be in the next ten minutes or so, and I'll ask them to help put the mattress protective cover on.  I'll hope and pray that I can sleep without pain again. 

OK, delivery complete: the mattress has to poof up because it was rolled up in a box. They did put the cover on for me. These delivery teams are so efficient--not a wasted motion as they strip off the plastic, set it up, then bundle up the one to be removed with plastic as well. I hate the idea that I'm "wasting' a mattress, but pain-free sleep is a basic for life.

UPDATE: first night with the new mattress, woke up with ALMOST no pain. Still just a teeny bit stiff but able to lie on each side and turn over without pain.

Pee Wee's Big Adventure

A great Saturday matinee at the Metrograph: Pee Wee's Big Adventure (1985). It was apparently the film that launched the careers of its director Tim Burton, composer Danny Elfman, and writer/comedian Phil Hartman. I had seen it with my daughter when she was a kid, and it's a favorite of hers still, so it was fun to see it again. I hardly remembered any of it, except my favorite bit of the whole film:

DMV

 With a move comes the need to make a trip to the DMV to get one's license transferred. Today, I took the C train to downtown Brooklyn to the DMV, armed with all the documents required to get a Real ID: passport, social security card (that I got in Berkeley), a utilities bill and a bank statement with my address on them. It was an easy ride on the subway, no need to transfer, and a short walk to a little mall that had the DMV on the second floor. (I noticed a Burlington Coat Factory store where I can go to get a winter coat when it comes time). I had made an online appointment. A greeter gave me the form I needed to fill out and a number. A robot voice announced which window each number was called to. I was called fairly quickly to get my signature and  photo done, then told to wait for my number to be called again. The overhead announcements were continuous and you had to pay attention to the display monitor. It took about fifty minutes to be called again, during which time I experienced chest pains of the kind that had me go to the ER the first time it happened. Now I know that if I drink water they will go away because it's some kind of esophageal spasms probably due to acid reflux. But there was no water to drink so I just sat there trying tot endure the pain while I sweated. Finally the pain subsided and my number was called. The actual process went smoothly and now I have a temporary license and my new card will come in the mail in about two weeks. Back to the C for the short ride to Rockaway station, about four blocks from my place. I stopped for a juice at Beets, a little juice bar near the station: beets, celery, kale, apple, carrot, cucumber. Super healthy and delicious, a better choice for lunch. I'm continuing to be encouraged by my slow and steady weight loss; I've lost 4-5 lbs. If I can keep this up, I hope I can get rid of the meno-potbelly. Today I feel competent because I overcame DMV anxiety.